When I desired appreciation for my contribution, I was shadowed and my ego self was wounded. I screamed, I cried, I complained that I was not being SEEN. I was so angry that people were not appreciating or aknowledging my contribution or Being.
Fast forward.. I learnt to acknowledge my own self, appreciate my own BEING, I worked a tonne on acceptance of my own SELF, the scenario slowly started shifting.
I had people in my sphere who started acknowledging my gifts, my being, my teachings. But the ‘my’ was still there. The ego self still felt inflated and I felt a high when there was appreciation or acknowledgement.
And then different layers of the judgement wound surfaced again. They would rear their ugly head time and again to take me into my pain. They helped me to allow my grief. LIFETIMES of grief. Generations of Grief. Grief of my spiritual ancestors.
For two long years, my grieving process has continued and it deepened even more taking me through the dark night of the soul during the lock down.
Grief Dissolved my EGO. Separation and sorrow dissolved my identify. Who was I without my twin, without my friends, without my work? And once again the ego self reared its ugly head. “You are not there for me, you are not present to me”, the ego was still present. Wounded. Attached.
Layers and layers of unpeeling are leading me to the stage of detachment from the ego. Detachment from the journey of others, Detachment from the outcome, Detachment from the fact that others are not committed on their healing journey or detachment from the fact that a full blown treasure house of potential is still locked up in the chains of trauma unable to blossom and unable to experience freedom and movement.
I am learning to be detached from my own pain, from my own journey as a teacher. Today, I truly understand Surrender. Today, I truly know I am not leading. I am being led.
Today I truly feel I am not the teacher, the teachings are being shared through me.
And today, I do not desire any appreciation or acknowledgment and just the contentment of being there for others and helping others shine in their light or becoming a conduit for others journey is enough. For, I know, “I” am not doing it. It is being done “through” me.
And so, the pain that I felt upon being misunderstood when someone would get triggered through me, is also slowly dissipating. For, even here, it is making me realize, I am not doing this. It is being done through me.
The more that I am deepening into the conduit that I am, the more the ego self is dissolving. The more the pain bodies are just dropping. 2020 has truly been the year of jet speed healing. Ask and you truly receive.
But it is gonna take courage to die. It is gonna take courage to dissolve the ego.
Dissolution of the ego is dissolution of the self. We are too attached to our identities ( who we are, how we should be, what we should be etc etc etc)
Dissolution of the ego means dissolution of the identity. Which is a HUGE thing. We are afraid of that and so the drama continues.
The desire for education, titles, certifications, name, fame, recognition is all the game of the wounded ego self.
The Feminine journey is not about rewards and recognition. She just IS. She just FLOWS. She just dissolves.
The jungle fire which just consumes. It consummates and consumes. And it is scary.
When we allow ourselves to dissolve the ego, all the unhealthy attachments, the wounding and pain body we keep associated ourselves to, also effortlessly drop.
And sometimes, a mere awareness is enough.
So today, when I deepen into just BEing, and not worry about being acknowledged, appreciated, misunderstood, being seen, it comes EFFORTLESSLY into my field now.
The more I let go of this NEED, the more it dissolves my ego and the more I keep receiving it,
And the learning now, quite, ironically is to remember to not attach to the name and fame and just keep doing the work.
BUT,
To get here has been a spiral. It has been hell fire. It has been consuming. It has been deaths of several kinds.
The more detached we are from judgement, from appreciation, the more we BLOSSOM into our Being, untethered, un hindered, unbothered.
THIS IS TRUE FREEDOM. The Dissolution of the Ego, the detachment from the outcome, the death of the identity. And, it’s always a journey.
Walk at your pace. But Allow. This is the true essence of our spiritual quest.
Aho !