I fell severely ill on November 3rd, scheduled to travel in nature on November 4th. I had longed for this communion and travel in nature and was super excited about it. I booked my ticket, planned the itinerary and then was hit by severe food poisoning.
I wanted to travel and yet a huge part of me Didn’t want to.
I was confused. If I cancel, I lose money. I have been deeply desiring to be in nature and this is my free window of time. God knows when I will get this space n time again. I ought to go. And yet my body screamed and kept saying no.
I wasn’t aware whether this is my resistance, my unwillingness to break that barrier of travelling and showing up for myself or is it truly my innate being unwilling to travel at this point in time.
I churned with these thoughts as I allowed myself to rest, to cry out for support (I had no one that day to even get me medicine) and just Be.
I was worried about losing money and the opportunity of travel.
Confused between resistance and allowance, I struggled to make a decision. Not sure what the little girl in me desired. Not sure what my heart and body desired.
I allowed the confusion and chaos to torture me until I reached a point and I said to myself, “Fuck it. I am not going. And even if its resistance, for once, it is ok for me to have resistance and not be so hard on myself. I am human and I am allowed to be not so perfect. I donot have to be a warrior all the time. I can be weak and not so great at times.
With that thought, I cancelled my travels and felt such a huge sigh of relief that I didn’t have to go.
I allowed myself to be kind and gentle with my resistance, if at all it was that. I allowed myself to feel the confusion and not feel guilty about the loss of money and opportunity to be in nature- something that I always desire and aspire for and perhaps need it the most.
I have been beating myself up for the non creation of my website (not that I am saying it is ok to not work on our procrastination, fears, resistance etc) but atleast for some moments, it is ok to feel the failure, the loss, the fear and not FIGHT IT.
Not desire to be perfect. A perfect teacher. A perfect student. A perfect husband, wife, son, friend.(Not that I am saying make a habit of it).
But let’s strive for realness rather than perfection.
So much of our baggage just flies off of our shoulders by this mere acknowledgement “I am ok even if I am wrong. I am.ok even if I can’t do this. I am ok even if I feel broken within.
I am.ok even if I feel fear or pain.
Dear Man & Woman – Kiss your brokenness for once and Receive. For, that is the way of the Feminine. Let us learn to honor our brokenness, our humanness, our imperfection.
Sharing a beautiful poem by Maya Luna on this .Be with this, for now.
Love and gratitude
Neelam
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When you fail
Don’t be so quick
To dust yourself off
With pep talks
Meant to get you
To rise up triumphantly
And exclaim
I am not giving up!
Don’t be triumphant
Instead
Give up
Yes that’s right
Give up
Not forever
But just for now
Just for a moment, at least
Just
Give
Up
Give it all up
You will be tempted
To comfort yourself
With spiritual concepts
Meant to assure you
This is all for the best
This is all part of a grand plan
To cleanse you
Purify you
To teach you a grand lesson
To make you triumphant
Glorious
Heroic
No
Don’t do any of this
Don’t be a hero
But also do not be devoured
By shame by self hatred
This is just the same game played
Backwards
No
Just give both up
Just for a moment
Just stay low
Low to the ground
Your false self
Shattered
Breathe the grass
Taste the dew
Inhale the soil
You failed
You broke
Life broke
Kiss the brokenness
And receive
Your true self is hidden
In these spaces in between. Maya Luna.