Since a very young age, I was a rebel. Not that I would do exactly opposite of what my authority figures told me (be it parents, older siblings, grandparents, teachers, bosses), but, I would definitely rebel against the things that I felt were not right.
This can be being a rebel against the rotten ways of the society or the rotten ways of parenthood or the place of education.
I was a rebel through and through. One of my Hindi teachers called me “Jhansi kee rani”.. :-p (The queen of Jhansi who fought bravely against the British).
My mom always exclaimed, ‘No one will marry you”.. I seemed to have owned her labeling of me. I became an introvert and a loner. My solace was my poetry which I eventually lost.
Now that I look back, I was fighting against the old patriarchal shackles. The old dysfunctional ways. Even as a 10-12 year old child, I was considered over idealistic. Now that I connect the dots, what society called idealism, I teach it as impeccability.
When I grew up and mustered my way into the corporate world and that too in the job of sales, I could in no way butter my bosses or please them with what they wanted or the way they wanted. I sold products (even though non profitable to the company) that were beneficial for the clients. And yet I topped the charts of performance.
The warrior spirit that was labeled as ‘being aggressive’ and ‘being loud’ or ‘being arrogant’.
Recently in my spiritual workshops and teachings, I triggered authority issues in two of my students. When I asked not to waste food, a student in retreat was triggered as I reminded her of her authoritative parents and her childhood wounding around scarcity and hunger and being told what to do and what not to do.
Then again later upon our return to India, when we resumed our teachings, a student triggered by my nudge and approach. And once again it reminded her of an authority issue with someone in life.
It has been a strange co-incidence that I remind people or trigger in them their old wounding with regards to their dysfunctional families / parents / authority figures. And yet, the same people have found me more approachable and have told me while pouring their heart out that I carry the energy of a mother (albeit strict, however, very loving and strong who helps them see the truth).
And yet knowing this, I had taken their wounding personally (a big lesson learnt to not entangle in their entanglements) and not take their judgments to heart. Because, it was growth / learning for my soul too. To be so rooted in who I am and what my core essence is and not to be deterred by the perceptions and conditioning of society of how a woman should talk / behave/ emote. Let alone the expectations and fallacies of the spiritual fraternity who even make it worse.
Many times I would have a vision of cutting the chains around my soul… today I understand what these chains are … these are the chains of judgments / rejection/ wounding which my soul carried through generations and life times.
Today, I can say with conviction that those judgments were a food for my soul… yes, I took them painfully.. But I also allowed my higher self to see the wisdom in them. This has allowed me to grieve the pain ‘openly’. This has allowed me to lash out my anger ‘openly. This has given me the space to be not perfect all the time. This has given me the opportunity to not look for validation and approval in partners/ friends/ parents/ students/ universe.
This has given me the space to scream and this has given me the time to BE the wisdom that I carry in my bones.
Yes, judgments are good. Don’t be afraid of them. If they shake you, sit with them. Allow their pain to soften your heart and allow their hidden wisdom to surface.
As I embark on a new cycle after processing my grief and pain and introspection and healing, reminiscence and clearing, I re claim the gift and essence of my soul which is a warrior spirit and I own it and am proud to DECLARE it. And may be some other judgments will again affect me, for, I am not perfect, but like always, I will be reminded through beings one and many, that I am here not to PLEASE anyone.. I am here to BE ME.
I AM A WARRIOR WOMAN. I AM. And that IS MY POWER.
Aho !