Our family plays a very important role in our lives. Our biological family is our root, our foundation of who we are and have become. No matter how much we feel disconnected from our families and the feel the anger for its dysfunctionality, we still stay rooted to them and this wired connection also runs in our blood and cells.
I have been angry with my family for the longest period of time, in particular with my brother. He has been very abusive, violent, manipulative and exploitative.
In a conscious endeavor to feel safe from his violence (verbal and physical), I had moved away from him and drew very firm boundaries and disconnected from even talking to him.
As I embarked on the journey of my own healing, healing the suppression of the divine feminine, standing tall towards oppression, fighting for equality and acknowledging the pain of being ostracized by my family, I sought on a journey to find deeper meaning as to why I chose this family to be born into.
They do not understand my spiritual path, they always mock it, they have always been ruthless towards me no matter what shit I have gone through and needless to say whenever I endeavor to make right the coldness or friction we have between us, I am always shamed and ostracized and made to feel shitty all over again.
Our family always is our support, always has our back, and is the foundation from where we grow – these concepts have always felt alien to me. The abandonment, rejection, isolation, betrayal, I am not important wounds have been so deep that it has taken me years and years and years of healing to come to peace with this aspect of my life.
As my healing deepens and my path takes a turn, I now felt ready to revisit this aspect of my life again. To come to peace with it and try one more time.
I took some initiatives during lock down only to realize in the latter months that if I don’t do what they say, they fling shame and isolation yet again pulling me back into the same spiral yet again. The same pattern of pain and anger repeats with them.
This time I chose to dig why I chose them at the soul level. Why my soul chose to be born in this family, to these parents and with these siblings.
My mother exists no more and I have over a lot of work, made some peace with my father and have understood what my lessons through him are, what his lessons through me are and why I chose him as a father.
With my brother and sisters, this blaming and shaming continued to be a challenge. When I chose to dig what is the equation between me and my brother, I was told, I am the front tire of the family’s vehicle, here to receive the ‘gift’ of ruthlessness, to teach him about the equality and share with him my spiritual gifts. I am to do without any emotional expectations or attachments. Why and how ‘ruthlessness’ is a gift? Well, that is a story and yet another article by itself. (Soon to follow)
For a family who is not even religious, let alone spiritual, to be asked to share my spiritual gifts without the expectation of love or support, IS A TALL ORDER.
I asked, ‘how will I share my spiritual gifts when they are not ready?’
A way will be shown, I was told.
Comes Diwali and that pathway opened up. I volunteered to offer a forgiveness meditation and a small spiritual fire ceremony augmenting the traditional Diwali Pooja.
While my sister was skeptical and mocking again, my brother, to my surprise was receptive. “A way will be shown”, I remembered.
I was all set to offer myself and my spiritual being to them and my sister contracted covid and my brother too fell ill.
From a family gathering, the pooja reduced to an online gathering via zoom. And he postponed the forgiveness meditation and the spiritual fire ceremony to a time when we could gather in person again.
On the day of Diwali, I am all set to celebrate Diwali with my own Self. (I have always felt lonely during festival times with no family or friends to share this occasion with me, Paul has always been not so fond of Diwali because of the fire crackers, sound and environmental pollution).
I was happy that this time I will be with a few people (may not be the choicest ones) but at least I will have some human connection. And the universe tests me again and the family gathering gets cancelled.
Here I am, all set and telling myself, “I am going to be there with myself, even though no one is there for me today, here. I am going to show up for myself and I am going to celebrate Diwali with my Self today.
The morning goes in the hustle and bustle of flower decorations, rangoli, preparing the food, the lamps and what not. The evening transcends and the maiden in me begins her preparation.
It is now late evening and we gather on a zoom call with family to witness the pooja being done at my brother’s home.
A very strange gathering indeed. No one comes online to wish us or even talks to us. Far away in one corner of their home, the pooja bells ring, we hear some chants and that is it.
No pleasantries exchanged, no communication, no welcoming. So clinical and formal.
While all this is happening, to add to my already unsettled state of being, I see my brothers children, (one son and one daughter) popping into the zoom video calling out my other two sisters Geeta and Kamlu, calling out to them, asking them to visit their home, talking, chatting.
As the moments passed, it was obvious, they did not know who I was. I had met them a few times but who is Neelam wasn’t imprinted yet in their memory banks.
I am generally, very good with children, I get super close to them, understand their psyche really well, its super easy for me to be child like too.
Children, generally feel very safe and close to me pretty quickly.
And yet, here there were two children, who did not recognize me in spite of being related to me. I knew the reason. In the process of being away from my family and their abusive tendencies, I had obviously not been able to meet the children too very often.
But that said, this affected me and I cried. And after my sorrow, hurt settled, I simply sent out a silent prayer from my heart to the divine (god/ goddess, whichever way you call it).
I prayed, I send my love to the hearts of these children and I pray that they at least know who I am and my name and my relationship to them, before I die”.
I just sent out this silent prayer and intention out to the universe and moved on with my life.
A few days ago, I get a video conference call from my brother, inviting us all 3 sisters to be on a video call. What is the agenda? “Vidhi (his 4 year old daughter) wanted to talk to us. Wanted to talk to her aunt Neelam and other aunts.”
We had a brief conversation and lord behold the little girl now knew who I was. What shifted? How did she remember now when she didn’t remember the other day?’
I asked if the parents had told her (the parents know nothing of my agony that these children did not know who I was). The parents hadn’t uttered a word to her and yet there ignited a desire in this little girl to talk to her aunt Neelam.
And this has happened not just once but a couple of times since then. She particularly asks the father to connect his call to Neelam Didi and when her older brother asks, “who is Neelam”, she declares, “the one who did dhum dhum that day in our home” (I had once gone to their home to an ancestral healing ceremony and a ritual and played my shamanic drum in their home).
“The aunt who plays the drum”, it made me chuckle and smile within.
Such, dear ones, is the power of prayer from our heart and power of pure intent with no attachment to the outcome.
I am sure, we will have many more occasions to meet and familiarize ourselves and then this aunt Neelam will no longer just be an aunt who played the drum but hopefully much more for that little girl and little boy.
The heart of that little girl heard the silent whispers of the prayer of my own little girl and connection happened.
We always discount the magnitude of our pure intent, our prayers without attachment and the sacredness of our desires.
It is these things that weave the web of our life and bring us profound gifts and healing.
Hope you too can deepen into the power of your sacred prayer from your sacred heart without ego and only with love.
Aho