Over the last several months, I have poured out a lot of my anger, angst and vulnerability on my social media pages / facebook timeline.
From some, it has invited advice/suggestions as if pouring it out had to be fixed.
From my family it has invited shame and ostrecisation.
And yet for a few, it has given them an opportunity to understand how important it is for us to feel our pain, express it, and how rawness and vulnerability is not weakness but an important way of being.
For those who needed to learn, even my raw uninhibited primal sharing of my grief and sorrow, anger and pain has become an important teacher in their field.
For some, my way of being is a poison, for some, my way of being is medicine.
And I JUST AM.
And in just BEING, I am learning to simply be a witness to both the scenarios unfolding in my space before my eyes.
More often than not, a lot of shame and judgement has followed me as I have flowed shamelessly with my emotional outbursts. Am I being a victim, am I being too clingy, am I getting co-dependant, am I seeking attention, I have questioned myself several times. I have felt the shame when someone has distanced themselves and it has made me unsure of myself.
At the same time, I have allowed myself to deepen into a space of honest self enquiry. I have descended into my pain and allowed myself to trace the roots of what I have been feeling.
I have traced it back to the lineage wounds when women might have been blamed or shamed for men going away or not being present. How many times do women get blamed for a relationship gone sour !!
“He went away because you were a bitch”, “He divorced you because you did this or that”, “He left because it was your fault:.
How many times do we hear this in our society? If the relationship goes sour or a man leaves, the society is so quick to point fingers at a woman.
During the past several months after Paul has passed, I have felt this shame and I have found myself in the question box, “Did I do something wrong? Was I getting too attached or clingy? Was my communication inappropriate?”
I felt this pain of the women in my lineage (both paternal side and maternal side) and I asked the spirit of the fire to destroy and transform this shame, for, it doesn’t belong to me.
As I continued feeling the ripples of this shame, validation etc, and the emotional field continued to be volatile, I suddenly got into a conversation with few of the students (not mentioning names).
Yesterday, not once but thrice, it was validated in my field, how me wearing my triggers/emotions on my sleeve (aka sitting with my pain/anger, expressing n feeling it freely, writing about it, vocalizing it) has helped them realise and understand the importance of being real, the validation that they needed to express and feel fiercely and the safe space where they could be themselves and the ability to see how expressing our emotions, doesn’t make us less courageous but more courageous.
Vulnerability is strength and not a weakness.
Everything that churns in my space daily, and the ability to feel it so intensely and acutely does overwhelm me at times.
I cannot believe the finer layers of the same work that I thought I have completed and processed are arising in my field again.
I am learning to be an innocent wise child, while sending love to the wounded inner child and I am reminded of the words of Matt Kahn,
WHATEVER ARISES, LOVE THAT.
With allowing that, and learning to love that arises, I am being ME and owning it, daily, one step at a time.