by Neelam Nanwani | Oct 10, 2024 | Soul Words
I was a mischievous kid in my growing up school years. And yet I was a loner and a rebel.
Even in those years when kids have fun, I was over accountable, over impeccable, over committed and over idealistic.
Top it with being emotional, intense, a deep feeler and a thinker, it made me quite a package.
Sprinkle it with vulnerability and naivity, having clarity of what I wanted to do and BE and yet be befuddled when it came to external maps and roads; be a recluse and yet a leader, one might feel, it’s quite a dichotomy filled combination.
When I was with my twin flame Paul in my 40s, he often called me a person filled with dichotomy. I would often wonder, “I am such a simple person, I am the same inside out, every one can literally read my face, so where is the dichotomy?”
Having gone through so much after he passed and doing a life review, I can clearly see and perhaps now understand what he meant.
I do not know whether being a dichotomy filled person is a problem or a gift. But this is who I was and perhaps am.
After he passed, I knew that I only wanted to live for my purpose, clear all my baggage of lifetimes together so that I didn’t have to come back again on this earth to deal with it.
And yet as days, weeks, months and years went by, I didn’t know who I was. I started losing a sense of self and that was immensely rattling to the ego. The ego needs identity and here something was happening in my field that was shaking the ground beneath my feet.
I struggled to hold tightly to the identity that I held so closely to my chest, for, who was I without it and what was I if not for that?
The ground beneath my feet was so shaken that in practical life and living I had a difficulty for such small matters as fetching an auto rickshaw and going to the market for mundane chores.
Nothing felt certain. I didn’t understand what was happening to me or rather inside of me.
All I knew that there was breakdown of identity and no sense of SELF.
My self assuredness was gone. All I was left with was grief for Paul’s passing, abandonment and rejection (for not having anyone by my side as I was grieving), shame because I was not feeling any more inner strength and a feeling of being an utter total failure.
It brought forth a huge existential crisis and a death urge. The despair was humongous and my body just couldn’t contain it.
The declaration that I wish to FINISH it all in this life time brought upon its own share of initiations and challenges.
Illness struck one after the other. The emotional ruckus brought more illness and illness brought more grief.
I got entangled in this loop of healing, healing and healing.
There was no LIVING.
As I am beginning to say goodbye to perhaps the most difficult 4 years of my life, I am making a vow to myself to LOVE and LIVE again.
It doesn’t feel easy. My life has never been easy. From a girl child whose mother beat herself up just because a girl was born, harbouring the feeling of being awkward, rejected and a loner all life long, to having lost my studies, career and mother to her menopausal depression and suicide to having lost Paul and falling prey to menopausal depression myself, life feels like having come to a full circle.
A part of me feels so detached from my purpose and yet another part of me feels so elated after I have completed a teaching session. Am I done with what I have come here on this planet earth to do?
Is it time to say goodbye? Perhaps not. What feels true is that it’s time to live the life unlived.
It’s time to drop the need to do something or become something but it’s time to live truly the ordinary and not just live it but truly explore and enjoy it…to not just live from a sense of duty and purpose alone but truly with a sense of dancing with this life with wild abandon.
The human existence is as special and extra ordinary as our spiritual quest which often becomes another layer and level of entanglement with the ego.
It’s time to become still…it’s time to flow…it’s time to LIVE again.
Header Photo by Pitt Rom
by Neelam Nanwani | Sep 24, 2024 | Soul Words
Why does the one person who doesn’t value or appreciate us become so important over all the others who do see us, value us and appreciate us?
I guess our mind has a tendency to go to the source from where we need love but don’t often get it. And we keep running to get it from that source only to retraumatise our wounded rejected inner child.
Why is it so difficult to retrain our minds to appreciate the sources of love and support present in our life rather than keep running for the one source from where we need it but keep coming back disappointed over and over again?
The source that disappoints could be our parent, our child, our partner, our lover, our friend or someone else who the mind attaches importance to.
Why do we often loop in our traumas even though many aspects of our life seem to be moving ahead and yet some parts of us attach to the pain, and keep inviting traumatic experiences again and again and again.
Re-parenting the fragmented parts of our psyche is hard. Feeling loved when our childhood experiences have been of feeling unloved and unwanted is harder.
Saying no to those who make us feel rejected is hardest because we are so afraid of letting them go, we are so afraid of feeling empty, miserable or alone again.
We often put up with breadcrumbs knowing fully well we deserve a well laid out lavish platter.
Old wounds come gushing back no matter how much healing we do. That’s the cost of childhood trauma that we pay as adults. And if we are married and have kids, we leave that trauma for our future generations too.
Breaking free from these entanglements and old patterns of behaviour within the self may feel miserably challenging and painful.
But this is what self love demands. If we truly love ourselves, would we allow ourselves to be re-traumatised again and again?
When old hurts resurface, wouldn’t it be wiser to become aware and do a reality check instead of wallowing in misery, “Is this hurt/person/incident/situation really worth killing my self love and causing me mental, emotional or physical distress?”
I am not saying we should not acknowledge our pain but if the pain is a repetitive pattern caused by some internal wiring and faulty stories that we have kept feeding our inner child, isn’t it time to become aware of this inner chatter and consciously, over and over again, rewrite this inner dialogue and keep feeding a New Story to the child self within?
Don’t we all deserve better?
We are love and we are loved…no matter what the internal and external stories project.
Let us all remind each other this very simple and yet profound truth that we are indeed not unloved but very deeply loved not just by the universe/divine/our guides and power animals but also by many many earth angels.
Maybe it’s time to feed a new story to our inner children.
Will we at least try?
The Empowerment Circle is coming back in October 2024 with a new topic of discussion: Magic of Menstruation. It is open for MEN & WOMEN and is on 2 October from 6 to 8 PM IST.
Join the WhatsApp group for details.
by Neelam Nanwani | Sep 5, 2024 | Soul Words
The popular belief is that whatever is hidden within us, the outside world comes and projects that to us. People whom we attract in our life often mirror our own hidden selves.
I have attracted people who are not impeccable or committed. This has made me introspect where am I not being committed – to whom and in which areas?
For example, Paul and I used to be very perturbed and triggered when students would be flaky or not committed to the teachings. During one of the shadow workshops, we sat with this trigger.
If the outside world reflects our own shadow, then what were these incidents representing regarding our own shadow part. Because both of us were rather over impeccable as far as teaching was concerned.
So which shadow part within each one of us was rearing its head? We did some exercises during the workshop while students were working on their own stuff.
The DISOWNED shadow part me in was “detachment” and the disowned shadow part in Paul was “hollow bone.”
Both got the same disowned shadow part. It was very intriguing and fascinating to observe.
Some of you already know how over invested I used to be in the students’ inner work and how attached to it too. Over the years, I have made a conscious attempt to be connected but less attached to students’ journey. I have stopped pushing. I nudge, point out and then retreat, allowing them their space to do what they desire. Detaching from the end result. It has been a huge area of work in progress.
Such is the magnificence of shadow work. Every projection, every contrast is also a teacher.
We cannot heal the shadow or release the shadow. But we work on integrating the shadow through various ways.
• Are you the one who feels you don’t lie but people come and lie to your face?
• Do you always reach on time but people often are late for your meetings or other appointments?
• Are you dedicated in your work but you always attract flaky people?
• Do you always pay your dues on time but others linger while making payments to you?
You may wonder what is this projection because you are not like that. Well, this is where the fun lies. Yes…shadow work is not all horrific or gloomy. During the teachings, we play detective. We go on a treasure hunt and excavate what might be hidden within us that might be attracting certain situations.
The treasure is the gold hidden beneath the shadow. When we understand our shadow and integrate its GIFT, we are no longer at the mercy of being driven by the shadow.
We free up a lot of life force energy to live authentically. This is true freedom.
Come, be free. Join us for a one full day of exploration, excavation and playing the detective “The Shaman & the Shadow.”
Date: Sept 22nd, 2024
Venue: Online on Zoom
Timings: 10 AM to 7 pm IST
For details, reach out to Neelam on 9979901933.
Header Photo by Engin Akyurt.
by Neelam Nanwani | Aug 26, 2024 | Soul Words
The following article was taken from Paul’s and Neelam’s writings.
Have their been times in your life when you feel you are sooooooooooooo right and the other person is sooooooooooo wrong. When you feel triggered and upset by some aspects about your near and dear ones? The way they treat you, take you for granted? Sometimes even lie to you? And at times have you noticed a singular theme about these aspects in your life?
Have their been times when you have been so mad as to why this is happening in your life? And what have you done to deserve this?
But, have you realized many times, the outside situations and behaviours that we so so so hate and dislike in others are only a projection of our own suppressed selves aka shadow parts? The parts which we are not yet ready to own or accept and integrate within ourselves?
Beneath the social mask we wear every day, we have a hidden shadow side: an impulsive, wounded, sad, or isolated part that we generally try to ignore. This hidden side is called The Shadow and it can be a source of emotional richness and vitality, and acknowledging it can be a pathway to healing and living a truthful, authentic life.
The Shadow part(s) are kept hidden deep within us and are, typically, out of awareness. Many of your Shadow parts have great holds on your life and dictate your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and actions.
The Shadow includes your deepest fears, shames and regrets. Your judgments, core beliefs, unconscious contracts and vows, your “truths” about life, about others and yourself…even your “positive” qualities of personal power, your beauty, your sacred and divine self are held by the Shadow. The Shadow includes all these things about you that sit in your subconscious.
Come and discover your shadows from the safety of your heart…
Take time and think of an the attribute, the gift of you that you love most about yourself…perhaps it is your generosity, openness or loving nature? Once found, ask “What is the opposite of these qualities?” The answer reveals part of your Shadow.
Since you seek to avoid these Shadow qualities, you tend to express the opposite, or more “positive” side. Thus, your Shadow is what encourages you to embody your more socially accepted, “favorable” traits.
However, it is important to realize that when you “disown” your Shadow qualities you tend to become unbalanced. Eventually the Shadow will come out of its cage, and now wild, the Shadow often expresses itself in frightening and explosive ways.
What we deny within ourselves we project/manifest onto others and into our lives. Understand that your everyday life is a reflection of your Shadow self.
Why is it important to get familiar with your Shadow?
Your Shadow self provides a great understanding of your life. As your awareness of your Shadow self grows, you reveal the underpinnings of your personality—gaining potent insight of that which dictates your thoughts, feelings and actions. These ultimately lead to the outcomes and results of your life’s manifestations. Therefore, to heal the parts that hold you back from achieving your desired results, requires you embrace your Shadow.
Doing so, can unleash trapped life energies. And within this additional potent energy, you find your inspiration and authenticity and ultimately, your deepest power.
For example, many people know that they have gifts and talents, yet they may not have created the “Fulfilling Life” they desire. Their Shadow may include an unconscious vow to never have more than X dollars in the bank, or to have more money than their parents or to never shine too brightly as it might cause jealousy to others.
Consequently, more energy is wasted on suppression rather than expansion of the self. Imagine how much of your life force is suffocated and repressed?
Honoring the Shadow’s old “truths,” vows and fears and releasing their grip of you, can free much of your energy and inner power. Fully free, this power can now propel you to achieve solid progress in your daily life.
We will be talking in much depth and learning all about it in our upcoming workshop: Shaman and the Shadow.
Workshop Date: 22nd September 2024
Time: 10 am to 7 pm
Venue: online on Zoom
Please reach out to Neelam (9979901933) for details
Header Photo by Pixabay
by Neelam Nanwani | Jun 28, 2024 | Soul Words
When we embark on the journey of our spiritual healing, we often ask, “What is within me that has brought this to my doorstep?” This doesn’t mean that if someone abuses me, its because something is wrong within me and hence I have attracted this situation or challenge.
The premise simply is that we take full responsibility of and for our lives.
When we view life from this perspective, we stop being a victim of our situations. We introspect, what within me (thoughts, beliefs, emotions, imprints – karmic/ancestral, womb, birthing, society, religion, upbringing or any other) is bringing this to my doorstep.
What can I do to shed these imprints or beliefs or fears within myself?
More often than not, we desire that the outward situation (be it relationship, finance, health) changes. But the outward situation merely reflects our own hidden buried subconscious unconscious state/psyche.
We often (if not always) attract on the outside what we ARE on the inside. The contribution of our subconscious mind is 90% in what happens in our lives and the conscious mind just plays a 10% role. Our subconscious mind and what we store in our unconscious psyche is a sum total of our past lives, ancestral stories, stories we pick up inside the womb of the mother, our birth scenario and our upbringing.
All of this is formed through the journey of our soul in its evolutionary process from one life time to another.
The lessons and karmic imprints accumulate over a period of time and the challenges (if lessons not learnt) become harder.
We also tend to get influenced by the thought process and emotional makeover of our primary care givers. Whether we have had a functional relationship with them or a dysfunctional relationship with them, we tend to become like them out of our innate unconscious sense of loyalty towards them.
As lifetimes go by, we move farther from our own innate truth and Essence and we become someone who we are Not.
Lifetimes could go by until we realise what we have done to our own self. This immense loss of self, in a given life time stares at us, screaming for owning who we ARE.
We often do not know, how. But the soul is now ready to reclaim its innate power and truth.
And with this begins the journey of self realisation of the soul – realising who it truly IS and its innate Divinity and essence. However, for a soul to know itself, it has to first shed what it has become or the imprints and masks it has acquired through thousands of years during its evolutionary journey.
This descent of the soul begins the process of deconstruction. This is often known as the journey of the underworld or at times a dark night of the soul. It feels like every thing is breaking down and coming to an end.
The human experience feels full of misery because breaking down of what felt safe and familiar once, is all going away. We cling (at times unconsciously) and feel that the misery is not ending. We feel patterns are looping and we push harder and harder for things to improve.
What is perhaps needed is to not push but to pause and allow the process of deconstruction. Yes, it takes courage and this “Unbecoming” is an art. An art that we have not been trained into.
We have been trained to “Become Something.” What we need to perhaps learn and be in allowance of is this Process of Unbecoming.
Nature dies and nature is reborn. We are nature personified and should we desire to rebirth our Being, we have to allow this deconstruction, shedding and UNBECOMING – just like nature does.
Neelam Nanwani is a midwife to the soul and conducts talks, lectures, workshops, mentorships and retreats in this Sacred Art of Unbecoming. Join the WhatsApp Group for staying updated on free talks, circles and events.
Header Photo by Pixabay
