by Neelam Nanwani | Dec 16, 2020 | Soul Words
When I desired appreciation for my contribution, I was shadowed and my ego self was wounded. I screamed, I cried, I complained that I was not being SEEN. I was so angry that people were not appreciating or aknowledging my contribution or Being.
Fast forward.. I learnt to acknowledge my own self, appreciate my own BEING, I worked a tonne on acceptance of my own SELF, the scenario slowly started shifting.
I had people in my sphere who started acknowledging my gifts, my being, my teachings. But the ‘my’ was still there. The ego self still felt inflated and I felt a high when there was appreciation or acknowledgement.
And then different layers of the judgement wound surfaced again. They would rear their ugly head time and again to take me into my pain. They helped me to allow my grief. LIFETIMES of grief. Generations of Grief. Grief of my spiritual ancestors.
For two long years, my grieving process has continued and it deepened even more taking me through the dark night of the soul during the lock down.
Grief Dissolved my EGO. Separation and sorrow dissolved my identify. Who was I without my twin, without my friends, without my work? And once again the ego self reared its ugly head. “You are not there for me, you are not present to me”, the ego was still present. Wounded. Attached.
Layers and layers of unpeeling are leading me to the stage of detachment from the ego. Detachment from the journey of others, Detachment from the outcome, Detachment from the fact that others are not committed on their healing journey or detachment from the fact that a full blown treasure house of potential is still locked up in the chains of trauma unable to blossom and unable to experience freedom and movement.
I am learning to be detached from my own pain, from my own journey as a teacher. Today, I truly understand Surrender. Today, I truly know I am not leading. I am being led.
Today I truly feel I am not the teacher, the teachings are being shared through me.
And today, I do not desire any appreciation or acknowledgment and just the contentment of being there for others and helping others shine in their light or becoming a conduit for others journey is enough. For, I know, “I” am not doing it. It is being done “through” me.
And so, the pain that I felt upon being misunderstood when someone would get triggered through me, is also slowly dissipating. For, even here, it is making me realize, I am not doing this. It is being done through me.
The more that I am deepening into the conduit that I am, the more the ego self is dissolving. The more the pain bodies are just dropping. 2020 has truly been the year of jet speed healing. Ask and you truly receive.
But it is gonna take courage to die. It is gonna take courage to dissolve the ego.
Dissolution of the ego is dissolution of the self. We are too attached to our identities ( who we are, how we should be, what we should be etc etc etc)
Dissolution of the ego means dissolution of the identity. Which is a HUGE thing. We are afraid of that and so the drama continues.
The desire for education, titles, certifications, name, fame, recognition is all the game of the wounded ego self.
The Feminine journey is not about rewards and recognition. She just IS. She just FLOWS. She just dissolves.
The jungle fire which just consumes. It consummates and consumes. And it is scary.
When we allow ourselves to dissolve the ego, all the unhealthy attachments, the wounding and pain body we keep associated ourselves to, also effortlessly drop.
And sometimes, a mere awareness is enough.
So today, when I deepen into just BEing, and not worry about being acknowledged, appreciated, misunderstood, being seen, it comes EFFORTLESSLY into my field now.
The more I let go of this NEED, the more it dissolves my ego and the more I keep receiving it,
And the learning now, quite, ironically is to remember to not attach to the name and fame and just keep doing the work.
BUT,
To get here has been a spiral. It has been hell fire. It has been consuming. It has been deaths of several kinds.
The more detached we are from judgement, from appreciation, the more we BLOSSOM into our Being, untethered, un hindered, unbothered.
THIS IS TRUE FREEDOM. The Dissolution of the Ego, the detachment from the outcome, the death of the identity. And, it’s always a journey.
Walk at your pace. But Allow. This is the true essence of our spiritual quest.
Aho !
by Neelam Nanwani | Dec 15, 2020 | Soul Words
I fell severely ill on November 3rd, scheduled to travel in nature on November 4th. I had longed for this communion and travel in nature and was super excited about it. I booked my ticket, planned the itinerary and then was hit by severe food poisoning.
I wanted to travel and yet a huge part of me Didn’t want to.
I was confused. If I cancel, I lose money. I have been deeply desiring to be in nature and this is my free window of time. God knows when I will get this space n time again. I ought to go. And yet my body screamed and kept saying no.
I wasn’t aware whether this is my resistance, my unwillingness to break that barrier of travelling and showing up for myself or is it truly my innate being unwilling to travel at this point in time.
I churned with these thoughts as I allowed myself to rest, to cry out for support (I had no one that day to even get me medicine) and just Be.
I was worried about losing money and the opportunity of travel.
Confused between resistance and allowance, I struggled to make a decision. Not sure what the little girl in me desired. Not sure what my heart and body desired.
I allowed the confusion and chaos to torture me until I reached a point and I said to myself, “Fuck it. I am not going. And even if its resistance, for once, it is ok for me to have resistance and not be so hard on myself. I am human and I am allowed to be not so perfect. I donot have to be a warrior all the time. I can be weak and not so great at times.
With that thought, I cancelled my travels and felt such a huge sigh of relief that I didn’t have to go.
I allowed myself to be kind and gentle with my resistance, if at all it was that. I allowed myself to feel the confusion and not feel guilty about the loss of money and opportunity to be in nature- something that I always desire and aspire for and perhaps need it the most.
I have been beating myself up for the non creation of my website (not that I am saying it is ok to not work on our procrastination, fears, resistance etc) but atleast for some moments, it is ok to feel the failure, the loss, the fear and not FIGHT IT.
Not desire to be perfect. A perfect teacher. A perfect student. A perfect husband, wife, son, friend.(Not that I am saying make a habit of it).
But let’s strive for realness rather than perfection.
So much of our baggage just flies off of our shoulders by this mere acknowledgement “I am ok even if I am wrong. I am.ok even if I can’t do this. I am ok even if I feel broken within.
I am.ok even if I feel fear or pain.
Dear Man & Woman – Kiss your brokenness for once and Receive. For, that is the way of the Feminine. Let us learn to honor our brokenness, our humanness, our imperfection.
Sharing a beautiful poem by Maya Luna on this .Be with this, for now.
Love and gratitude
Neelam
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When you fail
Don’t be so quick
To dust yourself off
With pep talks
Meant to get you
To rise up triumphantly
And exclaim
I am not giving up!
Don’t be triumphant
Instead
Give up
Yes that’s right
Give up
Not forever
But just for now
Just for a moment, at least
Just
Give
Up
Give it all up
You will be tempted
To comfort yourself
With spiritual concepts
Meant to assure you
This is all for the best
This is all part of a grand plan
To cleanse you
Purify you
To teach you a grand lesson
To make you triumphant
Glorious
Heroic
No
Don’t do any of this
Don’t be a hero
But also do not be devoured
By shame by self hatred
This is just the same game played
Backwards
No
Just give both up
Just for a moment
Just stay low
Low to the ground
Your false self
Shattered
Breathe the grass
Taste the dew
Inhale the soil
You failed
You broke
Life broke
Kiss the brokenness
And receive
Your true self is hidden
In these spaces in between. Maya Luna.
by Neelam Nanwani | Dec 14, 2020 | Soul Words
When I was around 16/17 years old, my dad took me to an astrologer and apart from other things (which I do not remember), the astrologer said (which I clearly remember), is that in my 30s I will be working in public life. In those times public life meant politics or social work or something like that.
So the idea amused me and didnt know what or how. Absolutely hated politics. Yes did venture into social work (working with a suicide prevention center) but found so much politics in so called NGOs as well, that I gave it up. Yes it was in my 30s. Tried this and that but nothing worked.
My career in corporate world peaked. And then a day came when nothing made sense. I had lost all passion. My performance dipped. I was dabbling in spiritual courses, healing modalities and they attracted me way too much. I wanted to bring the spiritual essence into the corporate world. So I tried hands at corporate training and never got an opportunity.
Approached existing training organisations and healers I knew at the time. All wanted to use me and my marketing skills to promote their work under their banner rather than allowing my gifts to be used in the training / spiritual aspects. It didn’t feel right.
If I had to do marketing for others or work for others in the capacity of marketing / promoting their work, why not do it for self ?
And yet the ship only felt sinking and I didnot know a way out. A fear of survival (I was going through a court case at the time and living alone with myself ), home loan, car loan, monthly survival pressure plagued me from taking that leap of faith. The tug of war within brought me the gift of IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and I fell so ill in that year of yes’s and no’s.
A part of me was frozen with fear and a part of me was so suffocated with the corporate world.
It was then that a baby step in the direction of what my soul was screaming for, helped me create some sanity in my inner realm.
I couldnt leave the corporate world (for the reasons I gave to myself – today I know they were just excuses or lack of trust in my self and that things will work out ) but I could bring my essence in to the corporate world.
So it began with creating an altar on my desk with the goddess pic, flowers, crystals and my pendulum.
I would without fear (thank god for that part of me) use the dowsing instrument in my work area for various aspects. Talk with out fear about hypnotherapy, crystals, animal allies, use of pendulum.
The good thing was that I was not afraid to express that part of me into a completely different world who had no idea what I was talking about. So yes, I did invite sarcastic comments, insults, taunts. But the rebel in me did not bother. I boldly allowed myself to be seen in that regard.
I used breathwork when appraisal reviews would be held.I was brazen enough to draw reiki symbols on my diaries and presentations. I advised my boss on his smoking addiction and offered sessions of hypnotherapy. He wanted them free and I boldly declined. Yes thanks to some parts of me who had some real guts and courage and inner strength.
I wrote articles on spiritual subjects for our intranet magazine. I invited curiousity from peers / subordinates about crystals to be used for improving productivity. I even used graphology to analyse my super bosse’s (boss’s boss) handwriting. Boy, I must have had some gusto :-p
These are some of the baby steps I took. I kept on investing in my learning (rather than on gadgets / clothing / fancy cars or other things). The salary that came in provided the cushion for investing in myself apart from taking care of fixed expenses. So needless to say, there was little saving.
Not once did I have an issue around leave (because intent was so strong to learn).
That is how my ship didnot sink but stayed afloat until I could fully step in 100 %. I saw colleagues and clients on week ends (believe me it was tough as the corporate life does have a tendency to tire you beyond your capacity). I drew boundaries of shutting down my desk SHARP at 6 pm.
This is how I sailed through until I could take a full fledged jump. I taught reiki to a couple of students, helped some colleages with animal ally questions, helped suborniates on their issues.
I also colloborated with the Corporate social responsibility group (CSR) to do a little project with kids within my organisation. The project with kids involved affirmations, breath work, showing movies like secret, graphology for improving confidence and concentration.
It was that project with kids that brough my life force back to me and my health started improving.
And that was 2008 / 09 story.
And here I am in 2019 almost 10 years later. Living my soul’s purpose. Fulfilling what my soul wants me to do.
So, if its possible for me, it’s possible for you, if you have the calling to do so.
You may not be dive in full on, but you certainly have the capacity to take baby steps in the direction of your passion and aspiration.
Just focus on baby steps daily. And the rest will follow.
Aho !
by Neelam Nanwani | Dec 13, 2020 | Soul Words
Be Tired of Waiting OR Begin it now.. take the first step
I have always believed and known that it is we who have to be committed and take the first step and only and only then the universe steps in to support.
Just intention is not enough. It can be an intention to travel or invest in your spiritual growth or begin your spiritual enterpreneurship.
We all wait until things are smoother, better, we some how live in the illusion that once this or that happens, we will take that step.
This postponing or putting off or feeling that right now too much is going on or that I am not ready or I dont have enough strength or resources comes from a space of feeling “I am not worthy enough and I am not good enough”
We keep waiting for things to get better, we keep intending and intending and hoping and things keep on getting entangled or complicated or stay put..
Get this – just manifesting / intending things to manifest IS NOT ENOUGH.
Yes it is not.
You have to take that first step. It could be towards your creative endeavors, your decision to invest in your growth and learning or sharing your gifts with the world.
If you keep waiting until things get better, until you get better – trust me – this is NEVER going to happen.
Only and only when you find the courage to take that first step – even though you may not have finances, feel you are not capable enough, or feel overwhelmed by existing challenges and you move forward INSPITE of that, it is only and only and only then, that the future gateways open.
If not, you will find yourself perpetually waiting and perpetually postponing doing things that deep down in your heart you really really aspire to do.
The fear is so strong, that many times we donot even know what that is… Because it takes courage to take that responsibility and leap of faith.
Precisely why the spiritual journey is not that of love and light only.
It is about being a ‘warrior’ and finding the courage to dive deep into the abyss of our fears / pain/ darkness and accessing that and tapping into the unconscious resistance.
And when I say resistance, yes ALL of us have it. Yes, even the most successful people on earth.
The difference is that they somehow find it within themselves to walk the path until the path starts walking towards them and finding them.
Mary-Lynne Monroe shared this beautiful quote with me during our private chat. It is a quote by William Hutchinson Murray. In his book The Scottish Himalayan Expedition..
It is quite in resonance to what I have said and always all ways believed.
Enjoy reading and absorbing
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”
by Neelam Nanwani | Mar 29, 2020 | Soul Words
“Feeling is the antithesis of pain…the more pain one feels, the less pain one suffers.”
~ Arthur Janov
I was a poet. I was a writer. Many things happened, and the poet in me died. The writer in me still lives on.
Should I mourn the death of the poet, or celebrate the life of the writer?
Both different yet the same for me. Life and death. Pain and joy. Tears and laughter…
I cannot compartmentalize.
I genuinely feel all of it – life, death, pain, joy!
But…
When I was in corporate life, I was condemned for not being able to compartmentalize.
“Don’t bring your emotions to work,” my bosses would say.
“How is that possible,” I would wonder.
How can a person feel something and then not feel anything?
How is it possible to be one person at work and yet another person at home?
Isn’t who you are as a person reflected in all aspects of your life?
I was befuddled. I was rebuked and shamed and embarrassed for being over-emotional. Either I was too sensitive, or I was too hot to handle… too aggressive, too arrogant. I was too much for everyone. In order to be accepted, I unconsciously made myself “smaller.”
By being ME, by being a top performer in the country, by being vocal about things… offended people, made people insecure, made them feel small. So I allowed myself to become “small.” I lost was my grandeur.
Little did I know that it was their problem and not mine.
I did not know how to compartmentalize, be diplomatic, or shun my emotions.
But I had to survive in the corporate world. I had to make a living. I was going through the toughest challenges of my life back then. Having married at 31, only to realize within the 2nd day of the marriage that the guy was a fraud. Only to discover that my family did not want me back. I realized, if I have to survive, I needed money. I only had Rs. 4000/- in my bank account and forget the money for making a deposit, I did not even have money for rent.
I had to survive. I had to fight my way through. And I had to succumb to the ‘conditions’ of the society.
So, what happened?
The creative part of me, the bubbly cheerful part of me went away. It became suppressed. A practical Neelam emerged; she wanted everything to be logical. Everything had to make sense.
Wounds? Who had time for wounds? The strength and the courage required for survival left no energy for “feeling” my wounds and pain. Be it betrayal, be it being abandoned and not supported by family or be it anything else.
I just needed to survive, needed strength to cope in a corporate environment, which was not me at all. Needed courage to fight a court case all alone against the betrayal.
How could the poetic/dreamy part of me have survived back then? If it did, I would have felt soooo much pain that I would have probably committed suicide.
So the practical/courageous part which came up was a survival mechanism to cope with the cruel world.
There was no way to compartmentalize. Some parts had to die or become disowned for other parts of me to survive.
The betrayal from marriage, the abandoned betrayal from family, was too much to bear.
And yet the ‘whole’ was not whole because it was torn apart and fragmented.
This lasted for good 10-12 years. What was the end result? A massive heart wall. This heart wall protected me from pain and hurt. But it took away my vulnerability, and the ability to fully feel, to feel ever so deeply.
With my advent into the spiritual path, the pieces of these puzzles of my life have started coming together. Be it my shamanic warrior path or Phoenix or dreamwork or working with and owning the feminine, I had an opening and allowed to feel all my emotions fully. I took ownership of the pain and would not be threatened by it again.
When our creative self is disowned, we lose the potential to birth and manifest and create the life that we seek. No matter that my physical body became a storehouse of aches and pains, IBS, ton of digestive issues, allergies, and high blood pressure.
Later, when I learned to connect to these parts and connect to my body, I discovered that these aches and pains were desires unfulfilled. They were parts of me screaming to bring to life things that I have always wanted to birth, but couldn’t.
Becoming the Phoenix was a life-changing platform and experience for me. It gave me an opportunity to look at these parts, to look at the wounding and the pain, and gave me a chance to fully feel my pain and own these parts which were hiding for so long.
Of course, who wants to feel our pain so fully? We all want to believe, “Oh, I have resolved my problems; I’ve moved ahead in life. My life has transformed. So I have healed. There is no need to look back at my past or feel my pain again. It was enough that I went through those times, and now it is over. I have ‘released’ it.”
What an illusion! How can we release our pain until we allow ourselves to fully ‘feel’ the pain?
Many times, during my quest, I would ask, “I have done so much work, why this guidance again and again about letting go of the past? I am not pained by it anymore…I have done so much forgiveness…I have done so much work.”
Only later did I understand, unless we live out our emotions fully, and allow ourselves to feel them in all totality without the slightest urge or need to heal them or release them, until then, emotional clearing or healing is not possible.
So we don’t have to release the pain. Or numb it. We have to allow ourselves to look at it and own it. Pain, like any other emotions, looks for acknowledgment.
Don’t heal the pain. FEEL the pain.
A-ho!
