by Neelam Nanwani | Jan 5, 2021 | Soul Words
Anger :- A gift or a curse?? …. Read on….
I sat with my anger. I held its hand and thanked it. I breathed deeply. Looked at it. Acknowledged it and then asked, “Why are you here?”
“I am here”, anger replied, “Because you let everyone violate you and take you for granted. You do not draw your boundaries.”
I sat there, frozen, in silence, absorbing this. Anger, which I thought was bad, which I was taught is the root cause of every evil, which I was conditioned to believe has to be controlled, was actually playing a beautiful role in my life. It was a gift.
That made me think, “If I embraced this gift, the gift of drawing boundaries, what would happen?” “Will anger go away”?, I thought to myself.
I went on an inner pilgrimage. I went back in time and observed all incidents that had made me angry. The underlying aspect in all those situations was that I felt violated in some way. Not respected, not honored in some way. I allowed people to take away my power, I felt helpless. And there came anger to protect me. Because I could not protect or honor myself.
Anger was playing a wonderful role.
So, there I was sitting with “anger” again. “Tell me anger”, what should I do?”
Anger replied, “Draw boundaries, Re-claim your power and I WILL BE GONE”.
You may ask, “What happened next”? “Did you apply boundaries? Did anger go away?”
“No, Not Really”, I say. It is a PART of me. How can a part of ME go away? You see, every emotion is a part of us. We are, as Carl Jung, says, a 360 degree person with various personality parts.
“Then what’s the point?”, you may ask.
“Well, Anger, right now stands away – may be as a gatekeeper, guarding, not controlling – just watching whether I let any unwelcome guests inside.
As long as I don’t, it keeps quiet. The moment I “Allow” someone to take my power away, whenever I am helpless or let anyone violate or manipulate me, whenever I ‘allow’ this, the Gatekeeper comes ALIVE.
Anger is a guardian. It’s an ally. I understand it’s gift. The more I apply and use this gift, the more it just stands at the threshold, ‘watching’.
The moment I don’t apply the gifts, it walks right back in.
Every emotion is a gift. You just have to sit with it and ask, “Why are you here? What role are you playing?”
Can you do that with your anger? With your fear, insecurity, jealousy, resistance?
Try it and share.
by Neelam Nanwani | Jan 4, 2021 | Soul Words
Once again I have descended into deep contemplative mood. Once again, quietude has BECOME me. No, it is not a shelter I take to avoid processing my pain.
It is an ally perhaps, moving me into deeper aspects of my Self.
Co-dependant tendencies, childhood pain, feeling unloved in one’s childhood and how that plays in our life and how that shapes our adulthood is once again prime in my ribs.
I have been very quick to identify co-dependant tendencies in people / students/ mothers/ friends/ partners/siblings/ children/ teachers.
And all along, perhaps, I myself ignored this aspect within me. All along I told myself, ‘Ah, how can I be co dependant? I have healed so much of my childhood adulthood pain? And yet, I was the first one to identify it / see it in others.
Yesterday, this aspect shook me. I am being forced to come to terms with it within my own psyche. It was at my doorstep through my partner, through my friends, through my students, through my own way of relating and feeling within when I held myself back.
It was a painful aspect to acknowledge and realize within myself how childhood pain and rejection had so deeply embedded this tendency within me.
I can see it in the other and yet it was too difficult and painful to acknowledge it within own self.
It takes courage to acknowledge our pain and it takes courage to take this deep descend into our shadows n dysfunctional subliminal tendencies in the journey of our ascension.
Getting triggered by the victimhood of students was an alarming sign which presented at my doorstep regarding my co dependant tendencies. Rushing to fix and make things easy for Paul was another alarm which kept me entangled in my co dependencies.
Wanting to be a clingy needy baby in any relationship where the pit of this hole of / lack of love never felt filled was an alarming sign of this co dependency.
Always fearing losing a relationship and over compensating with over providing / over being there for someone is a classic sign of this co dependant behavior.
Who am I without this? Who am I if I am not there for someone? Why does it make me feel so inadequate or restless or unsettled when I am not being there for someone?
The whole aspect of me being a teacher is engulfed in this pain.
Today, I am questioning every feeling which stirs within me – be it of motherhood, friendship, love, sharing, and being a teacher or whatsoever.
As I stand back and hold space in the truest sense of the word, it is still making me uncomfortable. It is making me restless and it is making me unsettled. How I wish I could reach out and touch their pain and soothe it for them and how I wish I could tell them they do not have to go through this pain the way I did and how I wish I could show them the way. How I wish I could be there for them in a way NO ONE has ever been there for me and how I wish I could offer a container as one has ever offered for me?
How I wish I am seen for my love and received the way I would like to and how I wish the stream within me flows and just flows and flows without questioning whether it is the flow of a gentle mother, a tough mother, a friend, a co dependant ally or my own desire to be held and loved – unconditionally.
How I wish I could lay on the lap of my mother and just be caressed on my cheeks and how I wish a father who could just hold my hand and help me cross the road.
How I wish I had a friend with whom I could just BE and how I wish I had a partner who was stronger than me .
How I wish I was a mother and how I wish I could offer and share my LOVE with my own little girl.
As I descend in to a different layer of this pain, I find courage to write about this and express this to myself and tell myself as no one has ever told me before in a way that I would like to hear.
I tell this to my little girl “Cry away little girl. Cry your heart out today. I am here. Holding you. And am here for you.”
by Neelam Nanwani | Jan 3, 2021 | Soul Words
Every man who feels disrespect or anger towards or violated by a / any woman, has a responsibility to heal his own inner feminine emanating from his own wounded masculine.
Any woman who feels disrespect / angst/ frustration/ anger towards or violated by a / any man has a responsibility to heal her own wounded masculine emanating from her own wounded feminine.
It is not a dance of genders anymore. It is a dance of one’s own inner feminine and inner masculine.
Begin with the hurt you have felt as a child and as an adult through your mother for healing your inner wounded feminine and the hurt that you have felt through your father for your inner wounded masculine.
There are many layers to healing this aspect but unless we address these fundamental aspects, our relationship with the world and with our own self IS NOT going to improve.
What we disown, get rid of, finds its way through in some way or the other and hence no matter how painful this process may be, (and yes it is indeed a long one and not a one session or event thing), the sooner we acknowledge it and begin the process of peeling off, the sooner will be there birth.
It is ok to be angry with our pain (care) givers and it is ok to move away from them for the sanctity of our own being.
However, ultimately, it is crucial to GROW UP and face the hurts and pains they have caused us consciously and unconsciously and stop going back to them for validation and approval.
This is not an easy journey as a child who has felt unloved through her / his childhood needs a tone of acknowledgement and validation and who else can he / she look to except his own roots.
For, if it cannot be from our roots, then the whole foundation feels shaken and entire life feels fake.
This pain can numb us, freeze us, make us cold or indifferent to the suffering of others or make us violent and absent to the needs of others. Not to mention, a total disconnection from one’s own TRUE SELF.
This is a pain which is soooooooooo crucial and such an important aspect and crux of healing for the entire humanity and without addressing this, whatever esoteric heights we may conquer will be a sheer waste.
Wounded parents give birth to a child which then becomes a part of a wounded family who then grows up to be a wounded adult who then creates a wounded atmosphere for self and others.
And
Quite unknowingly so.
And that is just the sad part of it all. The wounds that we run away from, we unconsciously cause in others until the day we seek to deconstruct our own self totally and allow the painful death of the self.
A rebirth is possible only when we allow this death within and without.
A crossover awaits. Will we allow ??
by Neelam Nanwani | Dec 18, 2020 | Soul Words
I see you. I honor you. I acknowledge you !
We are in Sedona. Day 6 and the much awaited flee market shows up. We are all excited. That’s what we have been waiting for.
We stop by after our lunch and we start going through stuff put up by various vendors. There are many shamanic goodies which lure the spirit.
Paul’s attention is drawn to a vendor. A native american lady who has display of her goodies. A necklace with turtle catches Paul’s attention. We ask the price. It feels a little over our budget. We move on.
In moving back and forth between different vendors, I am pulled back to her again. Her stall is empty with no people. I feel pulled to ask her if she can offer her neckpiece for a certain amount. She agrees.
I call Paul back to this place. While we are completing the transaction, I send out loud a blessing for her stall. “May you get more clients who may love your work and may you be blessed with more customers amd abundance”.
She is touched and says she really needs the blessing.
A voice in me tells me to give her a hug. She comes out and I move to the other side of the table.
We hold each other in loving embrace while I whisper into her ears, “I see you. I honor you. I acknowledge you.”
Her eyes tear up. My heart swells up as she says, “So you see me, haan”?
I see her. She sees me and in that moment unspoken love, acknowledgement and honor is exchanged.
While we are still standing at the edge of her stall, we observe customers one after another starting to gather up.
She becomes busy in attending them as we quietly move away.
As we prepare to wind up our trip here in US, it brings re-enforcement that we as humans need just that.. someone to see our essence. Someone to acknowledge how we feel. And someone to honor our unique being.
And what better way in doing so, by being ME. When I said those words I was not being this or that. I was being ME. Expressing what I felt in that moment. Be it negotiating that price, be it offering a blessing or be it giving her a hug or whispering those words in her ears.
And as I reminiscence that moment in sedona, it brings a certain warmth to my heart. The smile and teary eyes will always continue to be a part of me.
The quest in her spirit which so needed to hear :-
I see you. I honor you. I acknowledge you.
Aho !!
by Neelam Nanwani | Dec 17, 2020 | Soul Words
It is easy to be quiet.
It is difficult to speak up.
It is easy to hide
It is difficult to come out in the open
It is easy to get clouded
It is difficult to shine
It is easy to be quiet
It is difficult to speak up.
It is easy to give
Difficult to ask.
It is easy to not show up
It is difficult to show up
It is easy to not offend
It is difficult to confront and challenge
It is easy to fit in
It is difficult to stand out and be different
It is easy to be easy
It is difficult to be difficult
It is easy to shrink
It is difficult to expand and grow
It is easy to cocoon within oneself
It is difficult to go through metamorphosis
It is easy to not take risk
It is difficult to stretch and push the edges
It is easy to bottle up
It is difficult to explode
It is easy to feel embarrassed
It is difficult to own the mistakes
It is easy to want to fix it
It is difficult to hold space
It is easy to clip wings
It is difficult to let someone fly away
It is easy to worry
It is difficult to trust
It is easy to be a victim
It is difficult to be vulnerable
It is easy to escape
It is difficult to face
It is easy to put up with it
It is difficult to say “It’s enough”
It is easy to be in lack
It is difficult to believe “abundance is my birth right”
It is easy to stop and give up
It is difficult to keep moving forward
It is easy to die
It is difficult to live life
It is easy to live as we live
It is difficult to leave this world “Alive”
All our life, we keep living this way, thinking this is easy and that is difficult.
How about if we just LIVE and while living try dipping our toe into some of the difficult things?
For, it is not about whether it is easy or difficult
It is about whether I want to live FULL and FILLED?
And if so, then why can I not try even if it feels difficult? Where and how can I push those edges ?
What can I do to dive into the difficult? Who knows it may actually not be so difficult.
Hmm..What do you feel? Shall we take a dip??
