by Neelam Nanwani | Jan 10, 2021 | Soul Words
Every man who feels disrespect or anger towards or violated by a / any woman, has a responsibility to heal his own inner feminine emanating from his own wounded masculine.
Any woman who feels disrespect / angst/ frustration/ anger towards or violated by a / any man has a responsibility to heal her own wounded masculine emanating from her own wounded feminine.
It is not a dance of genders anymore. It is a dance of one’s own inner feminine and inner masculine.
Begin with the hurt you have felt as a child and as an adult through through your mother for healing your inner wounded feminine and the hurt that you have felt through your father for your inner wounded masculine.
There are many many layers to healing this aspect but unless we address these fundamental aspects, our relationship with the world and with our own self IS NOT going to improve.
What we disown, get rid of, finds its way through in some way or the other and hence no matter how painful this process may be, (and yes it is indeed a long one and not a one session or event thing), the sooner we acknowledge it and begin the process of peeling off, the sooner will be the re birth.
It is ok to be angry with our pain (care) givers and it is ok to move away from them for the sanctity of our own being.
However, ultimately, it is crucial to GROW UP and face the hurts and pains they have caused us consciously and unconsciously and stop going back to them for validation and approval.
This is not an easy journey as a child who has felt unloved through her / his childhood needs a tone of acknowledgement and validation and who else can he / she look to except his own roots.
For, if it cannot be from our roots, then the whole foundation feels shaken and entire life feels fake.
This pain can numb us, freeze us, make us cold or indifferent to the suffering of others or make us violent and absent to the needs of others. Not to mention, a total disconnection from one’s own TRUE SELF.
This is a pain which is so crucial and such an important aspect and crux of healing for the entire humanity and without addressing this, whatever esoteric heights we may conquer will be a sheer waste.
Wounded parents give birth to a child which then becomes a part of a wounded family who then grows up to be a wounded adult who then creates a wounded atmosphere for self and others.
And
Quite unknowingly so.
And that is just the sad part of it all. The wounds that we run away from, we unconsciously cause in others until the day we seek to deconstruct our own self totally and allow the painful death of the self.
A rebirth is possible only when we allow this death within and without.
A crossover awaits. Will we allow??
by Neelam Nanwani | Jan 9, 2021 | Soul Words
No matter how loved we indeed “are” and no matter how much love we NOW receive, we always go back to the source of lack or the source from where we initially expected it and didn’t receive. That is why the wounding doesn’t end.
The wounded boy keeps going back to the same person who caused the wounding. The wounded boy still expects that the mother will love him in the way he has always sought and desired. That expectation just doesn’t end
The wounded boy still seeks validation from the parent who made him feel like shit in the first place.
Why do we keep doing this? Why is our parents’ approval and appreciation so fundamental to our feeling worthy?
When we withdraw our energy from those spaces who have caused the wounding, we find spaces within us for healing that rejection and abandonment and we find acceptance of ourselves within the self and we find acceptance within others who cross our path.
Agreed that the our primary care givers are the ones whom we keep going back to and it is very natural to expect appreciation, love, acceptance and acknowledgement of our self from them. With every achievement, with every decision, we seek their approval.
And yes, it is disheartening beyond measure when we find that these spaces instead of offering us validation, appreciation and acceptance, offer us their own twisted manipulated space of love which suits their own needs.
What does a wounded boy do in such a situation??
Well, well, the wounded boy first needs to GROW UP. Become an adult where he realizes that he is responsible for the choices that he makes. And that he doesn’t have to be a ‘good boy” who tries to live up to the expectations of his parents inorder to seek their love and appreciation and acknowledgement.
The wounded boy, having grown into an adult needs to start making his own choices and decisions and stop seeking his parents’ approval.
Having grown into an adult,, he now seeks to help the wounded boy within to cope, to come to terms with this disappointment, to let go of the expectations and the guilt of not living up to their expectations. The adult self needs to help the wounded boy to feel that pain and finally let go of that pain. The adult self then needs to help the wounded boy see and acknowledge the spaces from where love, appreciation, validation, acknowledgement, acceptance is ‘now’ coming and indeed ‘now being received.’
The adult self then needs to help the wounded boy see the wisdom in that pain. And the adult self needs to help the wounded boy come to a “closure” with the mother wound or the father wound.
Last but not the least, having arrived at a closure, the adult self now needs to have the wounded boy come to a neutral space for his parents. Where the journey of this boy is no longer being fueled by the pain associated with his childhood or his parents.
And only when this neutrality comes, can the wisdom be accepted, digested and integrated. Only after having done this DEEP work, can we now feel EMPATHY for our parents who caused us this deep wounding. The empathy for this realization of how unaware they are and also the empathy that how much trauma consciously or unconsciously they carry within themselves to be creating / perpetuating this dysfunction.
And it is only here and only here that “WE” BREAK this dysfunction and begin this work of healing the wounded masculine and feminine within. Because it is only here that we realize that our feminine and masculine paradigms are built upon rotten roots of our caregivers and their roots are built upon the rotten roots of their care givers and so on.
It is here we being another descend, in to the healing of our ancestral lineage. Yes, we may have nothing to do with our ancestors, we may not even know them. But whether we want it or not, desire it or not, we have within us the same imprints and the DNA.
Our wounded masculine and feminine cannot heal until we take this journey and address this aspect of our descend.
When we heal our ancestral lineages, we heal our ROOTS. Whether these roots absorb the healing or continue in their own paradigm of dysfunction is not for us to then decide or expect. It is here that we let go of the attachment to this outcome.
We heal the Self and all these dysfunctional imprints with us and that is the only responsibility that we can take.
Yes it is or can be a long journey. A journey that will take many a descend. A journey that will begin with one spiral and then go into another spiral of the same pain and the same rejection and abandonment.
The wounded boy cannot do this without the adult self,
And hence the wounded boy needs to allow that part within him to first RISE UP. To GROW UP.
There will be times when the child self will be wise and the adult self will be wounded and there will be times when another child parts will be in pain and the adult self will play a parent to these parts in pain.
But, this is a descend all wounded boys and g irls MUST take.
Just doing inner child work is not going to be enough unless the adult self teaches the boy / girl within to not keep going back to the spaces and people who caused the pain in the first place. This work is not complete until the wounded boy / girl doesn’t feel a closure with the mother and the father.
When we arrive at a closure with the mother and / or the father, does it mean that they or their attitude / behavior / dysfunction shifts or changes towards the girl / boy?
NO. Just because we heal, it is the biggest mistake that we make and that is of expectation of change of behavior from our family / parents.
And it is here that the healed adult needs to teach and keep re-iterating to the child parts that just because we heal, it doesn’t imply that they will too.
It is here where the lessons and the gifts of this family dynamics come into play. It is here where we learn why we chose this family in the first place and it is here that we teach these child selves within about the wisdom of our wounds.
Slowly as both, the adult self and the wounded self absorb and integrate these facets, only then, one day, they will come to a closure with this wound.
Many a times inspite of healing these facets for a long long time, the pain just doesn’t go away because we feel proud that we have come so far because of this pain. Our spiritual pursuits are fuelled by this pain. It is here we unconsciously become attached to this wound. And it is also here that we need to teach the child selves about this painful lesson of the ego self unconsciously holding on the wounded aspects.
It is necessary to teach the child selves that the pain is becoming an anchor for their growth. And that they are unconsciously keeping on living the pain body instead of out of wisdom of that wound.
With conscious awareness we now need to pave the way for these parts and show them that this wound will still be their roots,. But they will now learn not to entangle and operate out of this wounding.
The healed self, with conscious effort and awareness, will now find nourishment in the wisdom and the wound will “stop’ feeding us. And we will stop feeding off of this wound.
We will stop finding our significance and validation through this wound. We will now breathe free and find our belonging to our own Self and find our home in this re birth.
It is now here that the ASCEND has to begin. The child selves and the adults selves now have to root their being in to their gifts and their wisdom coming from their healed selves. It is now their responsibility to become aware that their foundation is now not entangled or operating or fuelling their journey from this pain or wounding.
And “that” is The Real ASCEND.
But, for this re-birth, we have to be ready to die multiple deaths. And for this ASCEND, we have to first DESCEND. And yes it can be a painful journey. But, it is here that we hold each other’s hand and bring each other home.
It is here where we allow. It is here where we ask for support. It is here we rip our selves naked. It is here where we consciously break our walls and allow others to see us in our vulnerabilities. It is here where we take the first step to ask for help and it is here where we begin our journey into our healing . There is no other way. There is no other way. There is no other way.
Aho !
by Neelam Nanwani | Jan 8, 2021 | Soul Words
Our family plays a very important role in our lives. Our biological family is our root, our foundation of who we are and have become. No matter how much we feel disconnected from our families and the feel the anger for its dysfunctionality, we still stay rooted to them and this wired connection also runs in our blood and cells.
I have been angry with my family for the longest period of time, in particular with my brother. He has been very abusive, violent, manipulative and exploitative.
In a conscious endeavor to feel safe from his violence (verbal and physical), I had moved away from him and drew very firm boundaries and disconnected from even talking to him.
As I embarked on the journey of my own healing, healing the suppression of the divine feminine, standing tall towards oppression, fighting for equality and acknowledging the pain of being ostracized by my family, I sought on a journey to find deeper meaning as to why I chose this family to be born into.
They do not understand my spiritual path, they always mock it, they have always been ruthless towards me no matter what shit I have gone through and needless to say whenever I endeavor to make right the coldness or friction we have between us, I am always shamed and ostracized and made to feel shitty all over again.
Our family always is our support, always has our back, and is the foundation from where we grow – these concepts have always felt alien to me. The abandonment, rejection, isolation, betrayal, I am not important wounds have been so deep that it has taken me years and years and years of healing to come to peace with this aspect of my life.
As my healing deepens and my path takes a turn, I now felt ready to revisit this aspect of my life again. To come to peace with it and try one more time.
I took some initiatives during lock down only to realize in the latter months that if I don’t do what they say, they fling shame and isolation yet again pulling me back into the same spiral yet again. The same pattern of pain and anger repeats with them.
This time I chose to dig why I chose them at the soul level. Why my soul chose to be born in this family, to these parents and with these siblings.
My mother exists no more and I have over a lot of work, made some peace with my father and have understood what my lessons through him are, what his lessons through me are and why I chose him as a father.
With my brother and sisters, this blaming and shaming continued to be a challenge. When I chose to dig what is the equation between me and my brother, I was told, I am the front tire of the family’s vehicle, here to receive the ‘gift’ of ruthlessness, to teach him about the equality and share with him my spiritual gifts. I am to do without any emotional expectations or attachments. Why and how ‘ruthlessness’ is a gift? Well, that is a story and yet another article by itself. (Soon to follow)
For a family who is not even religious, let alone spiritual, to be asked to share my spiritual gifts without the expectation of love or support, IS A TALL ORDER.
I asked, ‘how will I share my spiritual gifts when they are not ready?’
A way will be shown, I was told.
Comes Diwali and that pathway opened up. I volunteered to offer a forgiveness meditation and a small spiritual fire ceremony augmenting the traditional Diwali Pooja.
While my sister was skeptical and mocking again, my brother, to my surprise was receptive. “A way will be shown”, I remembered.
I was all set to offer myself and my spiritual being to them and my sister contracted covid and my brother too fell ill.
From a family gathering, the pooja reduced to an online gathering via zoom. And he postponed the forgiveness meditation and the spiritual fire ceremony to a time when we could gather in person again.
On the day of Diwali, I am all set to celebrate Diwali with my own Self. (I have always felt lonely during festival times with no family or friends to share this occasion with me, Paul has always been not so fond of Diwali because of the fire crackers, sound and environmental pollution).
I was happy that this time I will be with a few people (may not be the choicest ones) but at least I will have some human connection. And the universe tests me again and the family gathering gets cancelled.
Here I am, all set and telling myself, “I am going to be there with myself, even though no one is there for me today, here. I am going to show up for myself and I am going to celebrate Diwali with my Self today.
The morning goes in the hustle and bustle of flower decorations, rangoli, preparing the food, the lamps and what not. The evening transcends and the maiden in me begins her preparation.
It is now late evening and we gather on a zoom call with family to witness the pooja being done at my brother’s home.
A very strange gathering indeed. No one comes online to wish us or even talks to us. Far away in one corner of their home, the pooja bells ring, we hear some chants and that is it.
No pleasantries exchanged, no communication, no welcoming. So clinical and formal.
While all this is happening, to add to my already unsettled state of being, I see my brothers children, (one son and one daughter) popping into the zoom video calling out my other two sisters Geeta and Kamlu, calling out to them, asking them to visit their home, talking, chatting.
As the moments passed, it was obvious, they did not know who I was. I had met them a few times but who is Neelam wasn’t imprinted yet in their memory banks.
I am generally, very good with children, I get super close to them, understand their psyche really well, its super easy for me to be child like too.
Children, generally feel very safe and close to me pretty quickly.
And yet, here there were two children, who did not recognize me in spite of being related to me. I knew the reason. In the process of being away from my family and their abusive tendencies, I had obviously not been able to meet the children too very often.
But that said, this affected me and I cried. And after my sorrow, hurt settled, I simply sent out a silent prayer from my heart to the divine (god/ goddess, whichever way you call it).
I prayed, I send my love to the hearts of these children and I pray that they at least know who I am and my name and my relationship to them, before I die”.
I just sent out this silent prayer and intention out to the universe and moved on with my life.
A few days ago, I get a video conference call from my brother, inviting us all 3 sisters to be on a video call. What is the agenda? “Vidhi (his 4 year old daughter) wanted to talk to us. Wanted to talk to her aunt Neelam and other aunts.”
We had a brief conversation and lord behold the little girl now knew who I was. What shifted? How did she remember now when she didn’t remember the other day?’
I asked if the parents had told her (the parents know nothing of my agony that these children did not know who I was). The parents hadn’t uttered a word to her and yet there ignited a desire in this little girl to talk to her aunt Neelam.
And this has happened not just once but a couple of times since then. She particularly asks the father to connect his call to Neelam Didi and when her older brother asks, “who is Neelam”, she declares, “the one who did dhum dhum that day in our home” (I had once gone to their home to an ancestral healing ceremony and a ritual and played my shamanic drum in their home).
“The aunt who plays the drum”, it made me chuckle and smile within.
Such, dear ones, is the power of prayer from our heart and power of pure intent with no attachment to the outcome.
I am sure, we will have many more occasions to meet and familiarize ourselves and then this aunt Neelam will no longer just be an aunt who played the drum but hopefully much more for that little girl and little boy.
The heart of that little girl heard the silent whispers of the prayer of my own little girl and connection happened.
We always discount the magnitude of our pure intent, our prayers without attachment and the sacredness of our desires.
It is these things that weave the web of our life and bring us profound gifts and healing.
Hope you too can deepen into the power of your sacred prayer from your sacred heart without ego and only with love.
Aho
![Joy]()
by Neelam Nanwani | Jan 7, 2021 | Soul Words
Joy is the essence of life and yet how to bridge the gap between joy and pain?
Historically whenever I have asked myself this question, I have drawn a blank. People numb their pain. I had somehow numbed my joy.
In the past few years, I asked myself this so many times, what brings me joy? I would really be blank. It was so difficult to come up with an answer. As surprising it may be, it was true.
Spirit calls out to me to bring more joy into my life. I thought about it even yesterday and felt numb to it.
Today when someone asked this on one of the groups, it prompted me to think out loud.
Years upon years upon years of healing pain / trauma/ depression / grief / ancestral issues/. inner child wounding / shadow work, shamanic work and yet no joy !! hmm the saddest state one can be in.. 
:-p
Finally the floodgates seem to have opened to bring in this energy more and more into my life.
Finally today, I got some tinklers.
Playing at the beach with the waves and mama sea caressing me, brings so much fun and joy to my inner child (sadly I cannot access this daily)
Teaching and sharing from heart space brings immense joy to my being.
Helping someone help themselves brings so much fulfillment and joy.
Teaching the most heaviest of topics and yet being able to create humor and lightness naturally in the class brings so much joy to my heart.
Sharing and spending time with friends and having soulfully rich conversations brings joy to my heart.
Drumming and dancing erratically brings joy to my heart.
Most importantly – spending time in nature in US and our road trips in nature, trekking, being able to touch and reach to various places of nature is the most joyful experience for me.
Writing (re birthing this part of me big time in 2019) – my experiences and my poetic expression brings joy to me.
I am sure as I stir the pot more and more will unfold.
I surely aspire to reach a state when “being” joy is effortless and not subject to being or doing something.
I will get there. Life is always a work in progress, isn’t it..
We all wish to make more money, have more success and happiness in our lives. How about today, we sat with our own self and asked “What brings me joy?” and just allow the answer to bubble up.
And how about we bring / birth what brings us joy into our Being.
To more joy to all of us..
Feel free to share what brings you joy.
![Joy]()
by Neelam Nanwani | Jan 6, 2021 | Soul Words
Since a very young age, I was a rebel. Not that I would do exactly opposite of what my authority figures told me (be it parents, older siblings, grandparents, teachers, bosses), but, I would definitely rebel against the things that I felt were not right.
This can be being a rebel against the rotten ways of the society or the rotten ways of parenthood or the place of education.
I was a rebel through and through. One of my Hindi teachers called me “Jhansi kee rani”.. :-p (The queen of Jhansi who fought bravely against the British).
My mom always exclaimed, ‘No one will marry you”.. I seemed to have owned her labeling of me. I became an introvert and a loner. My solace was my poetry which I eventually lost.
Now that I look back, I was fighting against the old patriarchal shackles. The old dysfunctional ways. Even as a 10-12 year old child, I was considered over idealistic. Now that I connect the dots, what society called idealism, I teach it as impeccability.
When I grew up and mustered my way into the corporate world and that too in the job of sales, I could in no way butter my bosses or please them with what they wanted or the way they wanted. I sold products (even though non profitable to the company) that were beneficial for the clients. And yet I topped the charts of performance.
The warrior spirit that was labeled as ‘being aggressive’ and ‘being loud’ or ‘being arrogant’.
Recently in my spiritual workshops and teachings, I triggered authority issues in two of my students. When I asked not to waste food, a student in retreat was triggered as I reminded her of her authoritative parents and her childhood wounding around scarcity and hunger and being told what to do and what not to do.
Then again later upon our return to India, when we resumed our teachings, a student triggered by my nudge and approach. And once again it reminded her of an authority issue with someone in life.
It has been a strange co-incidence that I remind people or trigger in them their old wounding with regards to their dysfunctional families / parents / authority figures. And yet, the same people have found me more approachable and have told me while pouring their heart out that I carry the energy of a mother (albeit strict, however, very loving and strong who helps them see the truth).
And yet knowing this, I had taken their wounding personally (a big lesson learnt to not entangle in their entanglements) and not take their judgments to heart. Because, it was growth / learning for my soul too. To be so rooted in who I am and what my core essence is and not to be deterred by the perceptions and conditioning of society of how a woman should talk / behave/ emote. Let alone the expectations and fallacies of the spiritual fraternity who even make it worse.
Many times I would have a vision of cutting the chains around my soul… today I understand what these chains are … these are the chains of judgments / rejection/ wounding which my soul carried through generations and life times.
Today, I can say with conviction that those judgments were a food for my soul… yes, I took them painfully.. But I also allowed my higher self to see the wisdom in them. This has allowed me to grieve the pain ‘openly’. This has allowed me to lash out my anger ‘openly. This has given me the space to be not perfect all the time. This has given me the opportunity to not look for validation and approval in partners/ friends/ parents/ students/ universe.
This has given me the space to scream and this has given me the time to BE the wisdom that I carry in my bones.
Yes, judgments are good. Don’t be afraid of them. If they shake you, sit with them. Allow their pain to soften your heart and allow their hidden wisdom to surface.
As I embark on a new cycle after processing my grief and pain and introspection and healing, reminiscence and clearing, I re claim the gift and essence of my soul which is a warrior spirit and I own it and am proud to DECLARE it. And may be some other judgments will again affect me, for, I am not perfect, but like always, I will be reminded through beings one and many, that I am here not to PLEASE anyone.. I am here to BE ME.
I AM A WARRIOR WOMAN. I AM. And that IS MY POWER.
Aho !
