No matter how loved we indeed “are” and no matter how much love we NOW receive, we always go back to the source of lack or the source from where we initially expected it and didn’t receive. That is why the wounding doesn’t end.
The wounded boy keeps going back to the same person who caused the wounding. The wounded boy still expects that the mother will love him in the way he has always sought and desired. That expectation just doesn’t end
The wounded boy still seeks validation from the parent who made him feel like shit in the first place.
Why do we keep doing this? Why is our parents’ approval and appreciation so fundamental to our feeling worthy?
When we withdraw our energy from those spaces who have caused the wounding, we find spaces within us for healing that rejection and abandonment and we find acceptance of ourselves within the self and we find acceptance within others who cross our path.
Agreed that the our primary care givers are the ones whom we keep going back to and it is very natural to expect appreciation, love, acceptance and acknowledgement of our self from them. With every achievement, with every decision, we seek their approval.
And yes, it is disheartening beyond measure when we find that these spaces instead of offering us validation, appreciation and acceptance, offer us their own twisted manipulated space of love which suits their own needs.
What does a wounded boy do in such a situation??
Well, well, the wounded boy first needs to GROW UP. Become an adult where he realizes that he is responsible for the choices that he makes. And that he doesn’t have to be a ‘good boy” who tries to live up to the expectations of his parents inorder to seek their love and appreciation and acknowledgement.
The wounded boy, having grown into an adult needs to start making his own choices and decisions and stop seeking his parents’ approval.
Having grown into an adult,, he now seeks to help the wounded boy within to cope, to come to terms with this disappointment, to let go of the expectations and the guilt of not living up to their expectations. The adult self needs to help the wounded boy to feel that pain and finally let go of that pain. The adult self then needs to help the wounded boy see and acknowledge the spaces from where love, appreciation, validation, acknowledgement, acceptance is ‘now’ coming and indeed ‘now being received.’
The adult self then needs to help the wounded boy see the wisdom in that pain. And the adult self needs to help the wounded boy come to a “closure” with the mother wound or the father wound.
Last but not the least, having arrived at a closure, the adult self now needs to have the wounded boy come to a neutral space for his parents. Where the journey of this boy is no longer being fueled by the pain associated with his childhood or his parents.
And only when this neutrality comes, can the wisdom be accepted, digested and integrated. Only after having done this DEEP work, can we now feel EMPATHY for our parents who caused us this deep wounding. The empathy for this realization of how unaware they are and also the empathy that how much trauma consciously or unconsciously they carry within themselves to be creating / perpetuating this dysfunction.
And it is only here and only here that “WE” BREAK this dysfunction and begin this work of healing the wounded masculine and feminine within. Because it is only here that we realize that our feminine and masculine paradigms are built upon rotten roots of our caregivers and their roots are built upon the rotten roots of their care givers and so on.
It is here we being another descend, in to the healing of our ancestral lineage. Yes, we may have nothing to do with our ancestors, we may not even know them. But whether we want it or not, desire it or not, we have within us the same imprints and the DNA.
Our wounded masculine and feminine cannot heal until we take this journey and address this aspect of our descend.
When we heal our ancestral lineages, we heal our ROOTS. Whether these roots absorb the healing or continue in their own paradigm of dysfunction is not for us to then decide or expect. It is here that we let go of the attachment to this outcome.
We heal the Self and all these dysfunctional imprints with us and that is the only responsibility that we can take.
Yes it is or can be a long journey. A journey that will take many a descend. A journey that will begin with one spiral and then go into another spiral of the same pain and the same rejection and abandonment.
The wounded boy cannot do this without the adult self,
And hence the wounded boy needs to allow that part within him to first RISE UP. To GROW UP.
There will be times when the child self will be wise and the adult self will be wounded and there will be times when another child parts will be in pain and the adult self will play a parent to these parts in pain.
But, this is a descend all wounded boys and g irls MUST take.
Just doing inner child work is not going to be enough unless the adult self teaches the boy / girl within to not keep going back to the spaces and people who caused the pain in the first place. This work is not complete until the wounded boy / girl doesn’t feel a closure with the mother and the father.
When we arrive at a closure with the mother and / or the father, does it mean that they or their attitude / behavior / dysfunction shifts or changes towards the girl / boy?
NO. Just because we heal, it is the biggest mistake that we make and that is of expectation of change of behavior from our family / parents.
And it is here that the healed adult needs to teach and keep re-iterating to the child parts that just because we heal, it doesn’t imply that they will too.
It is here where the lessons and the gifts of this family dynamics come into play. It is here where we learn why we chose this family in the first place and it is here that we teach these child selves within about the wisdom of our wounds.
Slowly as both, the adult self and the wounded self absorb and integrate these facets, only then, one day, they will come to a closure with this wound.
Many a times inspite of healing these facets for a long long time, the pain just doesn’t go away because we feel proud that we have come so far because of this pain. Our spiritual pursuits are fuelled by this pain. It is here we unconsciously become attached to this wound. And it is also here that we need to teach the child selves about this painful lesson of the ego self unconsciously holding on the wounded aspects.
It is necessary to teach the child selves that the pain is becoming an anchor for their growth. And that they are unconsciously keeping on living the pain body instead of out of wisdom of that wound.
With conscious awareness we now need to pave the way for these parts and show them that this wound will still be their roots,. But they will now learn not to entangle and operate out of this wounding.
The healed self, with conscious effort and awareness, will now find nourishment in the wisdom and the wound will “stop’ feeding us. And we will stop feeding off of this wound.
We will stop finding our significance and validation through this wound. We will now breathe free and find our belonging to our own Self and find our home in this re birth.
It is now here that the ASCEND has to begin. The child selves and the adults selves now have to root their being in to their gifts and their wisdom coming from their healed selves. It is now their responsibility to become aware that their foundation is now not entangled or operating or fuelling their journey from this pain or wounding.
And “that” is The Real ASCEND.
But, for this re-birth, we have to be ready to die multiple deaths. And for this ASCEND, we have to first DESCEND. And yes it can be a painful journey. But, it is here that we hold each other’s hand and bring each other home.
It is here where we allow. It is here where we ask for support. It is here we rip our selves naked. It is here where we consciously break our walls and allow others to see us in our vulnerabilities. It is here where we take the first step to ask for help and it is here where we begin our journey into our healing . There is no other way. There is no other way. There is no other way.
Aho !