by Neelam Nanwani | Dec 15, 2020 | Soul Words
I fell severely ill on November 3rd, scheduled to travel in nature on November 4th. I had longed for this communion and travel in nature and was super excited about it. I booked my ticket, planned the itinerary and then was hit by severe food poisoning.
I wanted to travel and yet a huge part of me Didn’t want to.
I was confused. If I cancel, I lose money. I have been deeply desiring to be in nature and this is my free window of time. God knows when I will get this space n time again. I ought to go. And yet my body screamed and kept saying no.
I wasn’t aware whether this is my resistance, my unwillingness to break that barrier of travelling and showing up for myself or is it truly my innate being unwilling to travel at this point in time.
I churned with these thoughts as I allowed myself to rest, to cry out for support (I had no one that day to even get me medicine) and just Be.
I was worried about losing money and the opportunity of travel.
Confused between resistance and allowance, I struggled to make a decision. Not sure what the little girl in me desired. Not sure what my heart and body desired.
I allowed the confusion and chaos to torture me until I reached a point and I said to myself, “Fuck it. I am not going. And even if its resistance, for once, it is ok for me to have resistance and not be so hard on myself. I am human and I am allowed to be not so perfect. I donot have to be a warrior all the time. I can be weak and not so great at times.
With that thought, I cancelled my travels and felt such a huge sigh of relief that I didn’t have to go.
I allowed myself to be kind and gentle with my resistance, if at all it was that. I allowed myself to feel the confusion and not feel guilty about the loss of money and opportunity to be in nature- something that I always desire and aspire for and perhaps need it the most.
I have been beating myself up for the non creation of my website (not that I am saying it is ok to not work on our procrastination, fears, resistance etc) but atleast for some moments, it is ok to feel the failure, the loss, the fear and not FIGHT IT.
Not desire to be perfect. A perfect teacher. A perfect student. A perfect husband, wife, son, friend.(Not that I am saying make a habit of it).
But let’s strive for realness rather than perfection.
So much of our baggage just flies off of our shoulders by this mere acknowledgement “I am ok even if I am wrong. I am.ok even if I can’t do this. I am ok even if I feel broken within.
I am.ok even if I feel fear or pain.
Dear Man & Woman – Kiss your brokenness for once and Receive. For, that is the way of the Feminine. Let us learn to honor our brokenness, our humanness, our imperfection.
Sharing a beautiful poem by Maya Luna on this .Be with this, for now.
Love and gratitude
Neelam
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
When you fail
Don’t be so quick
To dust yourself off
With pep talks
Meant to get you
To rise up triumphantly
And exclaim
I am not giving up!
Don’t be triumphant
Instead
Give up
Yes that’s right
Give up
Not forever
But just for now
Just for a moment, at least
Just
Give
Up
Give it all up
You will be tempted
To comfort yourself
With spiritual concepts
Meant to assure you
This is all for the best
This is all part of a grand plan
To cleanse you
Purify you
To teach you a grand lesson
To make you triumphant
Glorious
Heroic
No
Don’t do any of this
Don’t be a hero
But also do not be devoured
By shame by self hatred
This is just the same game played
Backwards
No
Just give both up
Just for a moment
Just stay low
Low to the ground
Your false self
Shattered
Breathe the grass
Taste the dew
Inhale the soil
You failed
You broke
Life broke
Kiss the brokenness
And receive
Your true self is hidden
In these spaces in between. Maya Luna.
by Neelam Nanwani | Dec 14, 2020 | Soul Words
When I was around 16/17 years old, my dad took me to an astrologer and apart from other things (which I do not remember), the astrologer said (which I clearly remember), is that in my 30s I will be working in public life. In those times public life meant politics or social work or something like that.
So the idea amused me and didnt know what or how. Absolutely hated politics. Yes did venture into social work (working with a suicide prevention center) but found so much politics in so called NGOs as well, that I gave it up. Yes it was in my 30s. Tried this and that but nothing worked.
My career in corporate world peaked. And then a day came when nothing made sense. I had lost all passion. My performance dipped. I was dabbling in spiritual courses, healing modalities and they attracted me way too much. I wanted to bring the spiritual essence into the corporate world. So I tried hands at corporate training and never got an opportunity.
Approached existing training organisations and healers I knew at the time. All wanted to use me and my marketing skills to promote their work under their banner rather than allowing my gifts to be used in the training / spiritual aspects. It didn’t feel right.
If I had to do marketing for others or work for others in the capacity of marketing / promoting their work, why not do it for self ?
And yet the ship only felt sinking and I didnot know a way out. A fear of survival (I was going through a court case at the time and living alone with myself ), home loan, car loan, monthly survival pressure plagued me from taking that leap of faith. The tug of war within brought me the gift of IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and I fell so ill in that year of yes’s and no’s.
A part of me was frozen with fear and a part of me was so suffocated with the corporate world.
It was then that a baby step in the direction of what my soul was screaming for, helped me create some sanity in my inner realm.
I couldnt leave the corporate world (for the reasons I gave to myself – today I know they were just excuses or lack of trust in my self and that things will work out ) but I could bring my essence in to the corporate world.
So it began with creating an altar on my desk with the goddess pic, flowers, crystals and my pendulum.
I would without fear (thank god for that part of me) use the dowsing instrument in my work area for various aspects. Talk with out fear about hypnotherapy, crystals, animal allies, use of pendulum.
The good thing was that I was not afraid to express that part of me into a completely different world who had no idea what I was talking about. So yes, I did invite sarcastic comments, insults, taunts. But the rebel in me did not bother. I boldly allowed myself to be seen in that regard.
I used breathwork when appraisal reviews would be held.I was brazen enough to draw reiki symbols on my diaries and presentations. I advised my boss on his smoking addiction and offered sessions of hypnotherapy. He wanted them free and I boldly declined. Yes thanks to some parts of me who had some real guts and courage and inner strength.
I wrote articles on spiritual subjects for our intranet magazine. I invited curiousity from peers / subordinates about crystals to be used for improving productivity. I even used graphology to analyse my super bosse’s (boss’s boss) handwriting. Boy, I must have had some gusto :-p
These are some of the baby steps I took. I kept on investing in my learning (rather than on gadgets / clothing / fancy cars or other things). The salary that came in provided the cushion for investing in myself apart from taking care of fixed expenses. So needless to say, there was little saving.
Not once did I have an issue around leave (because intent was so strong to learn).
That is how my ship didnot sink but stayed afloat until I could fully step in 100 %. I saw colleagues and clients on week ends (believe me it was tough as the corporate life does have a tendency to tire you beyond your capacity). I drew boundaries of shutting down my desk SHARP at 6 pm.
This is how I sailed through until I could take a full fledged jump. I taught reiki to a couple of students, helped some colleages with animal ally questions, helped suborniates on their issues.
I also colloborated with the Corporate social responsibility group (CSR) to do a little project with kids within my organisation. The project with kids involved affirmations, breath work, showing movies like secret, graphology for improving confidence and concentration.
It was that project with kids that brough my life force back to me and my health started improving.
And that was 2008 / 09 story.
And here I am in 2019 almost 10 years later. Living my soul’s purpose. Fulfilling what my soul wants me to do.
So, if its possible for me, it’s possible for you, if you have the calling to do so.
You may not be dive in full on, but you certainly have the capacity to take baby steps in the direction of your passion and aspiration.
Just focus on baby steps daily. And the rest will follow.
Aho !
by Neelam Nanwani | Dec 13, 2020 | Soul Words
Be Tired of Waiting OR Begin it now.. take the first step
I have always believed and known that it is we who have to be committed and take the first step and only and only then the universe steps in to support.
Just intention is not enough. It can be an intention to travel or invest in your spiritual growth or begin your spiritual enterpreneurship.
We all wait until things are smoother, better, we some how live in the illusion that once this or that happens, we will take that step.
This postponing or putting off or feeling that right now too much is going on or that I am not ready or I dont have enough strength or resources comes from a space of feeling “I am not worthy enough and I am not good enough”
We keep waiting for things to get better, we keep intending and intending and hoping and things keep on getting entangled or complicated or stay put..
Get this – just manifesting / intending things to manifest IS NOT ENOUGH.
Yes it is not.
You have to take that first step. It could be towards your creative endeavors, your decision to invest in your growth and learning or sharing your gifts with the world.
If you keep waiting until things get better, until you get better – trust me – this is NEVER going to happen.
Only and only when you find the courage to take that first step – even though you may not have finances, feel you are not capable enough, or feel overwhelmed by existing challenges and you move forward INSPITE of that, it is only and only and only then, that the future gateways open.
If not, you will find yourself perpetually waiting and perpetually postponing doing things that deep down in your heart you really really aspire to do.
The fear is so strong, that many times we donot even know what that is… Because it takes courage to take that responsibility and leap of faith.
Precisely why the spiritual journey is not that of love and light only.
It is about being a ‘warrior’ and finding the courage to dive deep into the abyss of our fears / pain/ darkness and accessing that and tapping into the unconscious resistance.
And when I say resistance, yes ALL of us have it. Yes, even the most successful people on earth.
The difference is that they somehow find it within themselves to walk the path until the path starts walking towards them and finding them.
Mary-Lynne Monroe shared this beautiful quote with me during our private chat. It is a quote by William Hutchinson Murray. In his book The Scottish Himalayan Expedition..
It is quite in resonance to what I have said and always all ways believed.
Enjoy reading and absorbing
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”
by dynamite | Apr 25, 2020 | Soul Words
We are in Sedona. Day 6 of our retreat and the much-awaited flee market shows up. We are all excited. That’s what we have been waiting for.
We stop by after our lunch, and we start going through stuff put up by various vendors. There are many shamanic goodies that lure the spirit.
Paul’s attention is drawn to a vendor–a Native American lady who has a display of goods. A necklace with turtle catches Paul’s attention. We ask the price. It feels a little over our budget. We move on.
In moving back and forth between different vendors, I am pulled back to her again. Her stall is empty, with no people. I feel pulled to ask her if she can offer her neckpiece for a certain amount. She agrees.
I call Paul back to this place.
While we are completing the transaction, I send out loud a blessing for her stall. “May you get more clients who may love your work, and may you be blessed with more customers and abundance.”
She is touched and says she really needs the blessing.
A voice in me tells me to give her a hug. She comes out, and I move to the other side of the table. We hold each other in a loving embrace while I whisper into her ear, “I see you. I honor you. I acknowledge you.”
Her eyes tear up. My heart swells up as she says, “So you see me, haan”?
In that moment, I see her. She sees me, and at that moment, unspoken love, acknowledgment, and honor are exchanged. While we are still standing at the edge of her stall, we observe customers one after another starting to gather up. She becomes busy in attending them as we quietly move away.
As we prepare to wind up our trip here in the US, it brings re-enforcement that we as humans need just that.. someone to see our essence. Someone to acknowledge how we feel. And someone to honor our unique being. And what better way in doing so, by being ME.
When I said those words, I was not being this or that. I was being ME. Expressing what I felt at that moment. Be it negotiating that price, be it offering a blessing or be it giving her a hug or whispering those words in her ears.
And as I reminiscence that moment in Sedona, it brings a certain warmth to my heart. The smile and teary eyes will always continue to be a part of me.
The quest in her spirit, which so needed to hear, “I see you. I honor you. I acknowledge you.”
Aho!
by dynamite | Apr 22, 2020 | Soul Words
I sat with my anger. I held its hand and thanked it. I breathed deeply. Looked at it. Acknowledged it and then asked, “Why are you here?”
“I am here,” anger replied, “because you let everyone violate you and take you for granted. You do not draw your boundaries.”
I sat there, frozen, in silence, absorbing this. Anger, which I thought was bad, which I was taught is the root cause of every evil, which I was conditioned to believe it has to be controlled, was actually playing a beautiful role in my life. It was a gift.
That made me think, “If I embraced this gift, the gift of drawing boundaries, what would happen?” “Will anger go away”?, I thought to myself.
I went on an inner pilgrimage. I went back in time and observed all incidents that had made me angry. The underlying aspect in all those situations was that I felt violated in some way. Not respected, not honored in some way. I allowed people to take away my power, I felt helpless. And there came anger to protect me. Because I could not protect or honor myself.
Anger was playing a wonderful role.
So, there I was sitting with “anger” again. “Tell me anger,” what should I do?”
Anger replied, “Draw boundaries, Re-claim your power, and I WILL BE GONE.”
You may ask, “What happened next”? “Did you apply boundaries? Did anger go away?”
“No, Not Really,” I say. It is a PART of me. How can a part of ME go away? You see, every emotion is a part of us. We are, as Carl Jung, says, a 360 degree with various personality parts.
“Then what’s the point?” you may ask.
“Well, Anger, right now stands away – maybe as a gatekeeper, guarding, not controlling – just watching whether I let any unwelcome guests inside.
As long as I don’t, it keeps quiet. The moment I “Allow” someone to take my power away, whenever I am helpless or let anyone violate or manipulate me, whenever I ‘allow’ this, the Gatekeeper comes ALIVE.
Anger is a guardian. It’s an ally. I understand it’s a gift. The more I apply and use this gift, the more it just stands at the threshold, ‘watching.’
The moment I don’t apply the gifts, it walks right back in.
Every emotion is a gift. You just have to sit with it and ask, “Why are you here? What role are you playing?”
Can you do that with your anger? With your fear, insecurity, jealousy, resistance?
Try it and share.
by dynamite | Apr 21, 2020 | Soul Words
Our entire society has forgotten the importance of honoring our emotions.
“Be strong,” don’t cry, oh don’t be angry, how can you be jealous, be happy (don’t be sad), blah blah blah. All these superficial statements that we are fed since we are a child.
“Be strong” -we create a wall. We get into proving how superior and right we are every time. We fail to see other people’s point of view. We forget how to be raw and vulnerable. We forget how to be genuine and authentic. We wear the ‘mask’ of “being strong” all the time, whereas deep down we are very, very weak and our soul is crying. But how can we show that to the world?
The mind has been fed “I need to be strong” in order to survive. Our masks make us feel adequate, albeit quite artificially so. Don’t cry -We learn how to suppress our grief and sorrow. Crying is weak. Crying is shamed. Crying makes us look not strong. We have been taught to be strong, but we can’t even cry. Because crying brings us face to face with our grief and pain. And being face to face with our pain takes a tonne of courage and strength. But we are already wearing the mask of being strong. Yes, its a mask. Don’t be angry -How many times have we been shamed for being angry or aggressive. Particularly in this new age, illusionary rules which talk of love and light.
So what do we do?
We suppress all the darkness. We suppress all our shadows.
(a) Because I have to live up to the mask
(b) because society has taught me anger is bad.
But I have forgotten to acknowledge, it is the same anger which has brought revolution in many parts of the world. It has helped people fight great injustices to them and to their near and dear ones.
When our mother is angry with us, she is driving us for our greater good. When the universe is angry, it makes us want to pause and reflect upon our journey.
Anger helps us draw boundaries. Anger has many gifts.
But I have been taught and fed that anger is not good. Love is the only way. But there is anger because I love too much. There is anger because I have not felt honored in some way. It is a gift. It is a teacher.
But what do we do?
Because it is bad, we stuff it inside rather than learning how to harness it, how to connect to it, and how to channel it. So it comes out as violence. It comes out as a schoolchild shooting a gun at a co-student.
It comes out as a husband hitting his wife because she forgot to pack his bags or turn on the heater.
Yes, This is where we are as a collective. With too much wounding and too much pain. That we are even afraid to look at it in the eye and feel it.
Yes, this is where the New Age science or spirituality has gone wrong.
In indigenous societies, there was immense importance given to how a person feels. The person could go through grief and pain without feeling threatened by it. Without feeling overwhelmed by it.
What would it take for us to look at this wounding and not be overwhelmed or threatened by it? What would it take for us to teach our own self and our children how important emotions are and how to harness their energy and gifts so that they do not become something to be ashamed of but rather treat as energy which can create momentum and blessings in our life.
