It’s been three days, since I returned from Binsar, Kumaon in Uttarakhand. People who knew I had been away for 12 days, have been asking me whether the purpose with which I went, has been accomplished.
Although, I had no such goal in mind, I did need a break from mundane and my own time with Mother Nature.
Was my travel attached to a specific goal? I don’t think so.
What I relished the most about my travels was deepening into a state of non doing and just Being. A state which most, including myself find it difficult to get into.
It was a long tedious travel (24 plus hours for me from Ahmedabad) to reach the home-stay I had booked and it was a long tedious walk of almost an hour plus to reach the home stay.
My right leg had developed excruciating nerve and muscle pain and all my plans of visiting temples and places of power nearby were squashed.
It was as if I had no choice but to just BE. It was a pain filled (physically) and yet a stillness inducing rendezvous with Prakriti.
There was no destination to rush to, no tasks to complete, no targets to achieve or no goals to accomplish.
Some of my known people were even amazed about what I would be “doing” at a remote place like this and that too all by myself.
While I kept telling myself and them that my purpose was to connect to myself and enjoy nature, in hindsight, even that felt superficial and lame.
What I deeply cherished being there was a sense of peace and stillness inside me (although it took work to quiet the chattering mind and the body screaming with pain).
I was forced to ACCEPT what was. No markets to shop from. No hospitals to look for. Not even a lady to massage my aching leg.
I was forced to BE with the pain and Accept it. I was nudged to send love to my aching body.
I enjoyed sharing my BEING with all facets of mother Earth and Nature.
I cried. I laughed. I talked to myself…and most often, I just sat looking at all facets of nature. And I just breathed deepening into a silence which the hustle and bustle of the mundane and civilization doesn’t permit.
There were a number of days when I was the only guest in the homestay and it was dark and cold on some evenings with rain and ice falling.
Amidst all of this, there was a quiet that I was lulled to bring myself into.
The sounds of nature felt like a lullaby of the mother trying to soothe the tantrumy or crying child.
And although, through all my pain of abandonment which reared its ugly head after Paul, I have been asked to look upon my divine parents as the guardians instead of biological parents, the deep presence that I feel with me and beneath me, behind me and around me and most importantly inside me is that of Mother Earth/Nature.
Have I returned whole and fully healed or as our productivity driven society teaches us “mission accomplished”? I don’t know yet. For, there wasn’t a mission to accomplish.
What I have returned with is, perhaps more of myself and a sense of peace. And even if these feelings feel transient, I am content knowing that our journeys aren’t about a specific end result or a goal to accomplish.
I was just content Being there and I am content, when home called, coming back to her.
Amidst all this, whether I have gained or lost something, healed or not, at this point it seems all an illusion.
All I know is that I carry the chaos and the stillness, all within me.
And I am deeply grateful to this solo adventure that I took courage to embark upon.
It has brought me so many gifts and even if not, there would have been no regrets.
But that said, whether we realise or not, everything around and within us, conducive to our ego mind or not, is a gift.
I return home and to myself with this feeling.
