Grief is a natural response to loss.
More often than not, we assume that a person going through grief needs privacy or isolation. Although, everyone grieves differently, grief is so heavy that it needs an unconditional presence, a container to be held and most importantly be witnessed non judgementally.
Grief has no timeline and more often than not, we judge the person whose grief lingers. Statements like you are attached to the comfort of pain, let go, move on, be brave, are often more damaging than the density of grief itself.
When we invalidate a person’s grief in the name of being strong or moving on, we not only invalidate the loss and the emotion of grief, we also invalidate The PERSON experiencing distress.
Grief is a wave. It ebbs and flows. Just like the waves of the ocean. If we do not control it or negate it, it comes forth and then very naturally retreats.
We often try to fight it because:
- We have numbed our emotions because of shame and fear
- We are tired of grieving or
- We some how feel ill equipped to process our pain, do not have the liberty/comfort or resources to feel and process it
A person who has been unable to process, feel or metabolise one’s emotions may find it difficult to BE PRESENT to other person’s grief.
We often feel inadequate when someone is grieving. We do not know what to say, how to behave and how to react or respond.
This innate sense of inadequacy subconsciously propels us to give suggestions, advise or gyaan to the person grieving. We do not realise that we are only trying to make our own little child feel adequate. It is indeed not supporting the person in pain.
Encouraging a person to feel his or her grief while being present unconditionally to what they might experience can more often than not be THE BIGGEST contribution to that person’s existence at that point in time.
When this gesture is absent, the undigested pain can often give rise to another wounding in the person’s grieving. Thoughts like do I matter, why should I live, does my pain matter, is something wrong with me might become the centre stage of the grieving person’s existence.
I personally experience a lot of unrest, shame and anger when my pain is invalidated and not witnessed.
It is perhaps this frustration and anger with the collective that might have contributed to my illness in the grieving period.
And perhaps my pain of feeling invalidated over and over again has given rise to my desire to exit this world time and again. I have been wise enough to not let this voice overrule other voices and instincts. I have been fortunate enough to have a spiritual foundation to support me through my teachers and student community whenever I am stuck or go through a crisis. That said, it has not been easy and continues to be a herculean task.
I miss physical presence when I am grieving. I miss soothing words when I am in pain. I miss someone nurturing me as I navigate through my pain. I miss physical touch and comforting when I am grieving or in pain (physical or mental).
I succumb to being a victim at times. Alas, I am only human.
I am a warrior. But the warrior is now tired.
I hear myself and my thoughts and feelings every day. Sometimes I continue to grieve bitterly and sometimes I swallow the lump in my throat.
While articulating the journey of grief, I wonder today whether my disturbed mental health is because of the various lumps I have consciously and unconsciously swallowed – of anger, of despair, of frustration, of loneliness.
There are many grieving communities in the world and one can turn to them for support in the lonely journey of our grief, trauma and pain. I often introspect why I didn’t turn to these communities when I was at the peak of my grieving period. I do not know. Perhaps I was afraid or rather my orphaned inner child was afraid of being ostracised, isolated or judged AGAIN.
Perhaps now, I am becoming ready, bit by bit daily to offer grief education and grief support so that whatever I have gone through or am going through, others who are experiencing grief, may not have to go through.
Many times we need healing or counselling. But more often than not, we just need love and a nonjudgemental presence to be a witness to our pain and most importantly to feel, “We belong and we MATTER.”
I personally believe that the fundamental need within each one of us is to know and believe in our cells, that WE MATTER.
And I wish to tell each one of us going through an existential crisis or some kind of pain or grief, however big or small, that YOU MATTER.
Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash